Undercover Fiancé Wanted, Desperately
by xDeanax
Summary: [AU] Athrun, chairman of PLANT, was in terrible danger. Since a paparazzi reporter had taken a picture of him in,err,few clothing article, hormonal crazed women have begun to make a habit of stalking him. Enter Cagalli, undercover fiancé extraordinaire...
1. Chapter One

Twenty-four year old Athrun Zala slowly climbed out of his sleek black limousine with a tired expression on his face. Of course, the great weariness he was feeling was not something he wasn't used to by now. After all, he'd been shouldering the burden and responsibility of being the chairman of PLANT for two years now. But there was only so much a human being could take before he collapsed from sheer exhaustion, and Athrun was a mere millimeter away from collapsing.

His chauffeur who was standing next to him asked, "Master Athrun, do you wish me to take your suitcase?"

The emerald-eyed chairman shook his head and smiled tightly. "No need. I can handle it. Why don't you take a day off today, Takashi? I think we all deserve a break."

_One thing's for sure. I think **I** deserve a very **long** break. Right after I get a long hot shower, I'm taking a 48-hour nap. _The idea sounded awfully appealing. Athrun sighed wearily, recalling the awaiting heap of paperwork on his desk, the straining press conferences he would have to face, the impending contract with ORB Industries...Ugh! It was enough to drive even the most workaholic of individuals insane!

Unbeknownst to the chairman, a secretly watching figure was waiting patiently from behind the thick bushes in the mansion's compound. It was an amateur paparazzi reporter who was desperate to impress her new boss and find a good story to sell. So far she'd been coming up with nothing and she had a deadline to meet in less than a few hours. It was a stroke of good luck when she'd decided to trail Athrun after a major press conference. It was even better when she'd discovered that there were few bodyguards in the privacy of the chairman's domain. _Perhaps, _she mused, _our beloved chairman has something to hide? Celebrities and businessmen usually do._

As soon as Athrun closed the front door behind him, the paparazzi carefully approached the one open window she could see and placed a video recording bug underneath the windowpane. Then she ducked in the bushes and opened her laptop. Now all she had to do was watch and wait until something juicy came up.

And then **it** happened.

Her eyes rounded in shock as she stared at the footage being displayed on the laptop screen.

_Holy...cow..._

Stunned speechless, all the paparazzi reporter could do was stare and drool. After all, it wasn't everyday anybody could admire and, ahem, further one's knowledge and education about the physical beauty of the opposite gender.

_Who'd had known that underneath those stuffy clothes is one of the sexist bodies that ever walked the earth? _

It took a total of fifteen minutes for her to finally snap out of it. "I'm going to get an immediate promotion for this..." Still slightly dazed, she saved the valuable picture into her laptop and headed straight for her office.

Thus, begins a tale of love, hate, jealousy, sadism and violence, hormonal-driven fan girls (and some boys), a gorgeous chairman with lots of issues, and a butt-kicking undercover bodyguard with a secret identity and a personal agenda...among other things.

………………………………………………………….

_Undercover Fiancé Wanted, Desperately _

_Chapter One_

Note: PLANT and ORB are business corporations in present day Japan

_Athrun, chairman of PLANT, was in terrible danger. Since a paparazzi reporter had accidentally taken a picture of him in, err, few clothing article, hormonal-crazed women have begun to stalk him and endanger his life. So it was only logical that he would search for a bodyguard. Enter Cagalli, ex-waitress slash bodyguard extraordinaire. She's hell-bent on doing anything necessary to complete her duty and prove her worth. At least, that's what she keeps telling herself when her gorgeous new boss asks her to go undercover by acting as his fiancé and she says _yes...

………………………………………………………….

_PLANT Corporations, Japan_

"How the heck did I ever get myself into this mess?"

The chairman of PLANT groaned in frustration as he resisted the tempting urge to bang his cranium against his desk and scream. Athrun settled instead for rubbing his aching forehead and wondering what in the world did he do that made him deserve this...this nightmare.

"Oh, cheer up, Zala." That annoyingly cheerful advice belonged to his long-time friend and company administrator Dearka Elthman. The blond was smirking, taking sadistic pleasure at seeing Athrun I-am-so-cool-nothing-ever-bothers-me Zala finally break down for the first time in his life. Then Dearka crossed his arms over his chest and offered more sympathetically, "I'm sure this will all blow over sooner or later---"

"Yeah, sure...a millennium later maybe," a cynical voice cut in. It was Athrun's ever-pessimistic, ever-scowling chief executive officer of the corporation, Yzak Joule, who was leaning against the wall.

"Thank you, Yzak. You've just succeeded in cheering me up," Athrun replied sarcastically.

"Hey, don't get mad at me. _I'm _not the one who dances around naked in my home and got myself photographed in only my birthday suit nationwide!" Yzak rolled his eyes ceiling-ward as he waved the popular magazine he'd been reading. There, splashed all over the front page, was a picture of a bewildered Athrun wearing only a towel that barely covered his nude form, gawking at the camera in confusion. Underneath the picture, the headline read in big, bolding letters: **THE CHAIRMAN OF PLANT, EXPOSED**.

'_Scandal_' was too light a word to describe the situation. Athrun had never felt more embarrassed OR helpless in his entire life!

Dearka smirked as he cast a mocking look in the scar-faced man's direction. "Now, now, Yzak. We all know you're saying that only because you're jealous that Athrun just got picked as one of the fifty most beautiful and sexiest people on earth by _People _magazine."

Yzak's lips curled wryly. "Trust me. I'm practically _green_ with envy."

Athrun drummed his fingers on his desk with an annoyed expression. He was in the middle of a major crisis here, and instead of helping him all his two companions seemed to be doing was exchanging insults and increasing his headache!

"It's been a week since this incident has occurred and so far there's no sign of this whole pandemonium dying off!" Athrun stood up abruptly and walked up and down his office in agitation. "Somebody, PLEASE, give me a solution! This is the kind of humiliation and embarrassment I can ill afford! Especially with the date of the contract between PLANT Corporations and ORB Industries less than a month away! But I can't even step outside my office without being chased after by some crazy stalker!"

"Well, I think this is the appropriate time to say I TOLD YOU SO! Didn't I warn you, time and time again, to hire more bodyguards to guard your place? But did you listen? Well, this is the result. Somehow the paparazzi sneaks into your home and takes a picture of you in the middle of a strip tease. Now, you have fan clubs." Yzak gazed pointedly at the window. Far below, the three men could make out a large throng of lust-crazed women all intent on breaking down the recently barricaded and locked front door into PLANT Corporations. Policemen were trying to take control of the situation with little effect.

Athrun gave his friends a desperate look that said: SOMEBODY, HELP ME!

Dearka snapped his fingers. "I have a brilliant idea!" he announced.

Yzak responded with a roll of his eyes and a loud snort. Athrun directed an incredulous look at the tanned blond. "I don't know if I can trust you. The last few times I've ever followed your so-called 'brilliant ideas', my problems just seem to multiply!" Athrun paused, remembering the time when Dearka planned to raise stock sales by hiring...No, better not think about it. Even now the memories still had the power to make him literally shudder.

Dearka waved his hand dismissively at the past chaos he'd single-handedly masterminded. "Those lame ideas are nothing compared to this one. I'm telling you, Athrun, this plan will work one hundred and one percent! Trust me!" he insisted with his '_Have I ever steered you wrong?_' smile which, of course, didn't fool the other two one bit.

Still...Athrun hesitated for a moment, wrestling between the choices of either (A) facing the threat of hordes of deranged fan girls hell-bent on abducting him for their own personal pleasure, or (B) following whatever 'brilliant' plan Dearka had cooked up in his twisted mind which MIGHT solve his problems or else make the situation even WORSE. One glance outside his 110-storey window and sighting a starry-eyed, middle-aged female window cleaner holding up an '_I-Love-U-Athrun_' signboard made his decision much easier.

"Alright, I'm listening."

…………………………………………….

Cagalli Yula Athha balanced a tray laden with food in one hand while the other was full with drinks. Carefully, she inched her way from table to table, serving the appropriate orders to the café's customers.

"Shift change." Miriallia Haww, her friend and fellow waitress, took the tray from her when Cagalli passed by. "It's time for you to take down the orders. Remember not to do anything foolish and keep your temper in check. You already offended our last two customers. The third time might get you fired," Milly warned.

"I promise, no more acts of violence toward customers," Cagalli vowed solemnly. _Although those two customers actually deserved the punches I gave them,_ she mentally added. After all, who could stand those lecherous idiots who thought they were God's gift to women?

"Okay. There's the first customer. Don't blow it."

Cagalli glanced at the man who was waiting to be served. TROUBLE was written all over his dirty face. She took a deep breath. _No, repeat after me, Cagalli. I can do this, I can do this, I can do this..._

She walked over to the table. "Alright, what can I get you," she asked with her pencil poised over her pad.

The man smirked lewdly. "How about a little cuddle and a kiss, baby?"

Eye twitching in irritation, she gritted her teeth and asked in an ultra-polite voice, "I repeat, what FOOD can I get you?"

"Well, I always did enjoy feisty women. How about you come to my room tonight? My door is always open for you."

_Don't do anything you'll regret, Cagalli. _She grounded her teeth together and almost broke the pencil in half. Taking a deep breath, she slowly said, "If you value any of your body parts, you WILL stop your vulgar words or I WILL be forced to act."

The lecherous man pretended to shudder. "Ooooh, so the little girl is making threats now. I'm sooooooo scared. What are you going to do, huh? Punch me?"

With a BIG smile plastered on her face, our blond heroine did exactly that.

…………………………………………….

"**NEXT**!"

An athletically fit woman clad in full military regalia and carrying a whip ambled into the screening room. Her posture was cruise-missile straight, hands clasped behind her back. When she spoke she sounded like a tough as nails drill instructor on a mission. "I am Lolita Fleming, sir! I **know** I am perfect for the undercover bodyguard job because I **know** I am capable of carrying out my duty with dignity and skill."

"**NEXT**!"

A timid woman shifted her feet in the middle of the room and cleared her throat nervously. "Err...my name Rita Meier and, umm, I think I'm perfect for the, umm, undercover bodyguard job because, err, I think---"

"**NEXT**!"

A seven-foot tall Amazon woman with large, rippling biceps and a scowl that could rival even Yzak's walked into the room. She folded her arms over her chest and glared at them over her beaky nose. "My name Serenity Charming and I am an ex-policewoman. I think I am perfect for the undercover bodyguard job because I think I'm competent enough to protect Mr. Zala with my capability and expertise."

Athrun was speechless, staring at the Amazon woman with wide eyes. Yzak took one long at her and arched a silver eyebrow. "We'll notify you if you are chosen, Ms. Charming."

As soon as the intimidating giant left, the green-eyed chairman released the relieved breath he had been holding. "Thank God. I don't think I could have stood a minute longer with her. Dearka, are you sure these are all the best you can find in the undercover bodyguard agency?"

The tanned blond looked mortally offended. "Of course I did! I'm nothing if not a thorough person."

"Well, no matter," Athrun sighed and leaned back against his armchair, "call in the next person on the list, Dearka."

"Err...I'm afraid that's it. Serenity Charming is the last candidate on the list," Dearka answered.

Athrun gave a long-suffering groan and placed his hands over his face. "I'm doomed. Someone take a gun and shoot me."

"I'm playing on the world's smallest violin," Yzak said in his most unsympathetic voice. "Now stop your pathetic self-pitying. Your press conference is only a few hours away and you need to reach a decision by then. So who will it be? If you want my professional opinion, Ms. Charming seems to be your best candidate. If any of your obsessive fan girls take one look at her, it's a safe bet that they'd forget about you and run for their lives."

"Speaking of running," Dearka glanced at his wristwatch and rose from his chair, "I have to leave now. It's almost time for lunch."

Athrun raised an eyebrow. "You can always have lunch here, you know. My secretary can call up for take-outs."

He smiled strangely. "Ah, I'm afraid this is a very important lunch date I can't miss. Just don't make any rash decisions until I come back. See you!"

"Where's HE going in such a hurry?" Athrun shot the rapidly departing blond a questioning look.

Yzak rolled his eyes in reply. "Knowing him, he's probably off brushing up his nonexistent lady-killer skills on some poor, unsuspecting victim. I can only pray whoever that innocent woman is wouldn't take one look at him and die of fright."

…………………………………………….

"You were _fired_?"

Cagalli smiled dryly and untied the apron strings around her waist. "Milly, I'm afraid that standing before you is the latest member of Club Unemployed."

Miriallia closed her eyes and shook her head sorrowfully. "Cagalli, you promised!"

"Milly, he was a lewd pervert with a brain size that could rival even an amoeba's," snapped the irate blond. "It was for the sake of every female on the planet that I gave him exactly what he deserved." She sighed regretfully. "Still, I do wish I kept my cool until AFTER my shift was over so that I could legally kick his butt. Now I'll have to begin job hunting again. And this is the what---45th time I got fired for 'harming' the clients?"

"Well, don't worry. I'm sure my father would change his mind if I explain everything to him..."

Milly's father owned the café they were working in. It was actually the auburn-haired girl's idea that Cagalli tried her hand at waitressing and persuaded Mr. Haww to give Cagalli a chance.

"No, don't do that," Cagalli protested. "You've already done enough. I'm not waitress material anyway. Besides, there has to be a job out there somewhere that I can do..."

"Cagalli, you know you don't have to do this, right?" Milly asked. "I mean, what's the point of going from job to job when you already have---"

"This isn't about money! This is about proving to my father that I'm capable of handling a job without screwing it up, and so far I'm not succeeding!" The blond furrowed her eyebrows obstinately. "I'm going to keep trying until there's a job I'm capable of performing. And that is that."

"And the Athha stubbornness rears its ugly head again," Milly said with a sad shake of her head.

Cagalli's eyes softened. "Milly, thanks for everything but this is just something I have to do."

As soon as the tomboyish blond left, Milly sighed and wondered how she could possibly help her friend. Perhaps she could look up the job section in the internet after she got home and---

Suddenly, moving in her line of vision she saw a young man in a business suit with blond hair and bronzed skin walking into the café. There he stood---the creature of her nightmares, the spawn of Satan and sub-human alien life-form from Planet Jupiter. She felt like slamming her head with her tray. It figures. How could her day ever be complete without the presence of his _wonderful_ existence?

"Oh no..." Milly groaned as if she was in deep pain. "It's HIM again!"

She quickly held up the empty tray to cover her face, praying for salvation. Maybe if she tip-toed away ever so quietly, he would not notice her and leave...

"Milly, there you are! I've been looking all over for you!"

Then again, maybe not.

Dearka made a straight beeline to the cringing waitress. There was no room left to run. She was trapped.

"Pity you found me," Milly muttered under her breath, silently cursing her luck. "Look, I'm busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?"

Dearka looked at her pitifully. "Milly, that's very unkind of you. All I wanted to do was have my lunch here in the presence of a beautiful lady such as yourself. Surely a minute of your time spent with someone as harmless as me wouldn't be too much to ask?"

_What a Casanova,_ she thought in disgust. _Everyday he comes over here and flirts with me, and everyday I turn him down. You'd think he'd give up by now. But the demented fool just keeps coming back for more abuse!_

She turned away from him. "Look, Elthman, you're wasting both your time and mine. So why don't you just go jump off a cliff and let me get on with my life!"

"Milly, I'm hurt. I thought after all the times we'd shared your opinion of me would change. I even remember the first time we met as clearly as ever..."

"Yeah, it was hate at first sight for me. Unfortunately, the horror of the memory still lingers at the back of my mind," she said wryly.

Dearka raised an eyebrow. "Do you express your opinions to everybody you meet so easily?"

Milly snorted. "It's just you. But don't worry. I'm very careful of how I express my humble opinions of you because I want to put as much vituperation in them as possible."

"So may I be so bold as to ask what your opinion of me is?"

She smiled ever so sweetly at him. "Since you asked so nicely, I guess I will. I used to think that you were a big pain in the neck. Now I have a _much _lower opinion of you."

"Ouch." He flinched as if she'd punched him. "You don't hold back, do you?"

"I see no reason why I should considering the fact that you make it your daily mission in life to get on my nerves." She whipped out a pencil and a pad from her pocket and shot him a look of death. "Now, quit trying to flirt with me and give me your order before I give you a justified cause to put ice on your eyes."

Dearka sighed, deciding to give in to her command...for now. _After all,_ he mused_, there was always tomorrow's lunch. _

"Well, I'd like a plate of fried chicken, maybe a T-bone steak medium rare and---"

She raised an eyebrow. "Any other cholesterol-loaded food choice to block your heart arteries?"

"Well, you can always give me some of your eggs."

**SLAP!**

…………………………………………….

Cagalli was an inch away from throwing her hands up in frustration. She scrunched up the stupid newspaper and dumped it into the nearest recycle bin. Argh! There was absolutely no job vacancy available! Why was fate so cruel to her?

Dejectedly, her shoulders slumped and she was actually beginning to lose hope. After all, she lost more jobs than most in a mere six months! She should be listed in the Guinness Book of World Records for being the girl who was fired the most in just a year! _At least I can get SOME recognition for that,_ she thought wryly.

_Wait, _she paused, _there WAS one job listed in the newspaper. A job for a cleaner or something. _She cringed at the thought of CLEANING, her most hated chore in the world. _BUT beggars can't be choosers. I think it was for some corporation or other. What was it again? ...Oh yeah! PLANT Corporations! Maybe I should give it a try._

She turned into a corner where the corporation was when she heard someone was screaming. Actually, a **lot** of 'someones' were screaming.

"**ATHRUN, ATHRUN, ATHRUN**!"

A rampaging mob of testosterone high women was always a frightening sight to behold. And Cagalli was actually seeing one right across the street. They all seemed to be crowding around a particular building, a lot of them holding up the strangest signs. One said: _MARRY ME, ATHRUN! _Another wrote: _ATHRUN, I CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT YOU! _And there was one that said: _PLEASE GO OUT ON A DATE WITH ME!_

_My god,_ she mused, _is there a pop icon or some kind of celebrity hiding in that building?_

It was at that moment that she noticed a limousine driving out of the car park basement. When the limo drove left into a street, the multitude of screaming hormone-driven fan girls and boys raced after it with alarming speed. She silently pitied whoever that celebrity was and turned to go on her merry way when she saw something that rooted her to the spot.

There was a mustached man dressed in a big jacket and an overly large hat walking out of the building. He looked around as if to make sure it was completely safe before he hurried across the lane. He was about to reach her side of the street when suddenly his moustache fell off.

She blinked. _Wait a minute. His moustache FELL OFF?_

"Oh God, no..." The fake-moustache man groaned and quickly bent down to pick it up. But he was too late.

"**OMIGOD**! **IT'S ATHRUN**!"

Two shrieking banshees suddenly pounced out of nowhere and attached themselves onto him like hungry leeches. The man was attempting to breathe as they held him in their choking claws and pledged their undying love for him at the top of their lungs.

Taking pity on the poor guy, Cagalli marched on over to the simpering idiots and crossed her arms. "Get your tired, bony butts out of my face before you all end up in the hospital in body casts!" she intoned ominously.

The fan girls took one look at her dark face and scattered like pigeons in her wake.

Satisfied, Cagalli bent down and held out her hand. "Hey, mister, are you alright?"

The hapless man groaned in answer. Dazed, he forced a smile and took her hand. "No, I'm fine, Miss...err..."

"Cagalli Yula," she supplied, silently admiring him. It was really no wonder girls were so crazy about him. He was absolutely _gorgeous_. From those sinfully thick lashes over beautiful green eyes, to his silky dark hair and attractive smile. It was enough to make Cagalli's pulse do a triple summersault.

"Well, thanks for the help, Miss Caga---"

His sentence faded off when MORE of his lovely fans had discovered the ruse he'd pulled on them and hurried back. Like vultures with a target in sight, they quickly homed in on him.

Suddenly, one of the fans noticed Cagalli. "Hey!" she snarled. "Who are you?"

The other Athrun fanatics stopped in mid-attack and turned their curious gazes at the newcomer. Cagalli felt her eye twitched. They were looking at her as if she was a Martian from outer space!

Another fan girl scowled. "Who in blazes are you? Why are you holding MY Athrun's hand?"

"Eh?" Cagalli looked down and her cheeks flamed when she finally realized she still had not let go of his hand. She quickly released him and glowered hotly at the resentful girl. "What's wrong with holding his hand? It's not as if he has some contagious disease! Besides, I have every right in the world to do as I damn well please without your approval!" she snapped.

The man known as Athrun suddenly cleared his throat. "It's all right, err, _honey_."

_What the he---?_

"It's high time everybody knew."

She blanched. "What rubbish are you talking ab---"

"There's no need to be so shy, _darling_." The emerald-eyed chairman picked himself up and dusted his clothes. Then he smiled at the wide-eyed Cagalli. "After all," he continued, "we've kept our relationship a secret for far too long."

_Secret...relationship...? _

"This," Athrun announced to his gawking fan girls with a dazzling smile as he put his arm around the stunned blonde's shoulder, "is my lovely fiancé and future wife, Cagalli."

…………………………………………….

(TBC)


	2. Chapter Two

_Lovely fiancé? Future wife? Alright, pal, you've just signed your death warrant!_

Cagalli's eye twitched and she threw her so-called _fiancé_ a look that promised broken bones and a painful, _agonizing _death. Athrun tried his best to simultaneously maintain his fake smile while ignoring the glare of doom being sent in his general direction.

_Please,_ he mentally pleaded to her, _don't call me out on my lie. PLEASE!_

He must have worn a look that was truly pathetic, because the golden-haired girl cleared her throat and smiled through gritted teeth. "Ah yes, it's true. I am his..._fiancé_."

There were a thousand different reactions from Athrun's many fan girls about his unexpected engagement. Some were weeping over the death of their wedding dreams, several were shooting Cagalli death glares and wondering if she had somehow tortured Athrun into lying to them, and more than a few of them was pondering the numerous ways on how to make their beloved Athrun a widow and eliminating Cagalli from the scene.

Needless to say, none of them looked happy.

"I don't believe it!"

"DARLING ATHRUN, PLEASE SAY IT AIN'T SO!"

"If that **she-demon** forced you to say that, Athrun, I'll kill her for you!"

Seething with fury, Cagalli rolled up her sleeves and stomped over to the woman who had insulted her. "I'll show YOU she-demon, you little..."

"Ah, please forgive them, _sweetie_! They didn't mean it!" A panicking Athrun quickly grabbed the spitting mad Cagalli by the waist and silently prayed for a miracle before the situation got **really **out of hand.

For once, his prayer was answered.

"Master Athrun, hop in!" The limousine had returned and pulled to a stop beside them. The unexpected appearance of the limo momentarily bewildered the pack of bloodthirsty fan girls, so Athrun took the opportunity to pull Cagalli into the vehicle with him. The limo immediately made its grand escape and headed for safety.

When he felt it was safe, Athrun breathed a sigh of relief. "Thank you, Takashi. I think I owe you my life."

His driver nodded. "It's a pleasure to serve, Master Athrun."

"Ahem."

Athrun's relief instantly faded when he felt someone drilling holes deep into his head. He turned slowly to face a murderous-looking Cagalli. She looked **extremely** ticked off. And she was still waiting for her answers. "_Well_...?"

The chairman of PLANT sweat dropped, wondering if he'd jumped from the frying pan only to land in the fire. He grinned sheepishly and tried to find some magical way to keep himself alive. "I...can explain..." _Think Zala, think! Where is that blasted Dearka when you _really _need one of his crazy ideas?_

Cagalli crossed her arms and said in a deadly calm voice, "I consider myself a fair person, and so I'm going to give you ten seconds to make up a VERY good reason why I shouldn't decapitate your head and tear you limb from limb. If you can't, then I will be forced to believe that you are a pervert who takes advantage of innocent women. You may then choose either to say your last prayers or beg for mercy."

"Err...well---"

"Ten...nine...eight..."

Without thinking (actually, all he COULD think about was preserving his head and appendages), Athrun blurted out, "Cagalli Yula, I want to hire you as my undercover fiancé."

There was a long and pregnant silence.

And then---

"WWHHHAAATT?"

………………………………………………………….

_Undercover Fiancé Wanted, Desperately _

_Chapter Two_

………………………………………………………….

"So, let me get this straight." Cagalli narrowed her eyes. "You want to hire ME as some kind of bodyguard slash 'pretend' fiancé?"

The chairman of PLANT nodded his head. "That's right."

The two of them were sitting on elegant couches within the protection of his mansion's four soundproof walls. Outside, policemen and personal bodyguards had tripled to stop the mass of obsessive Athrun fan girls from breaking in. One of the maids served tea and Athrun calmly sipped the warm liquid as if he was unaware of the hundreds of stalkers just outside his gate screaming his name.

Cagalli frowned thoughtfully. "You know, I find it kind of strange. You're better looking than the average male, but I seriously don't think it's possible that you're arousing the interest of so many women without some incentive."

Athrun arched an eyebrow. He'd thought everyone on earth had heard of the infamous Zala scandal, and this petite blond before him was actually implying that she had never even SEEN the tabloid pictures? "Have you ever read the tabloids?"

Cagalli rolled her eyes. "I don't have time to waste reading useless trash and gossips." _Besides, I'm usually too busy getting hired and fired again by my employers anyway,_ she thought wryly.

"Well, here. Take a look at this and you'll find the answer you need." He handed her a brightly-colored magazine from a bookshelf.

Cagalli took one look at the magazine cover and almost dropped it. Splattered on the front page was a scandalous blown up picture of a naked green-eyed man who greatly resembled Athrun! She quickly closed her eyes with one hand and threw the appalling thing at his face. "YOU PERVERT! I can't believe you actually want to taint the visions of decent girls like me with this...this repulsive photo!"

Athrun blinked and stared at his picture. "I didn't know my body looked **THAT **horrible..."

"Well, I guess you have a rather sexy bod---STOP TRYING TO CHANGE THE SUBJECT!" Cagalli's face was a deep tomato red, both from embarrassment and outrage. "It's beyond me how you models could be so immoral that you'd sell your nudity to the public for a few bucks!"

"Wait, let me explain---"

"SERIOUSLY, why is it that some people think money is more important than pride and self-respect?"

"Miss Cagalli, if you'll only calm down, I'll---"

"AND ANOTHER THING, do people actually feel that it's necessary that in order to hype up their popularity, they need to expose---"

"Are you _quite_ finished?" Athrun asked exasperatedly.

Cagalli glowered at him and opened her mouth to continue her lecture against brazen models and ignorant people who demean their self-worth, but Athrun hurriedly butted in, "Look, the paparazzi somehow slipped into my house and videotaped a picture of me when I was having a shower. I had no intention of 'selling my self-respect' as you put it. Oh, and for the record, I am NOT a model. I am, in fact, the respectable (or **USED **to be respectable) head chairman of PLANT Corporations."

"I DON'T CARE IF YOU'RE THE BLOODY KING OF THE WORLD BECAUSE I STILL DON'T---" She paused and slowly turned to look at him. "Did you say, _chairman of PLANT_?"

"Yes."

Cagalli blanched. Well, go figure. Now that she'd snubbed **THE** chairman of PLANT, it was safe to deduce that she'd thrown the cleaning job out the window. And she hadn't even been interviewed yet!

_There **IS** no God... _

She sighed and stood up. "Well, I'd better go then."

"W-Where are you going?"

Cagalli looked at him as if he'd just asked her if the world was square. "I'm leaving. I'm sorry for mistaking you for a shameless model just now. After the way I just insulted you, I know there is no way you're hiring me for ANYTHING. But good luck with your fan girl problems anyway."

Athrun tried to suppress the alarm he was feeling. She couldn't leave him! He NEEDED Cagalli! Just imagining the screaming Athrun fanatics circling him like hungry predators was almost enough to make him throw himself at her feet and BEG her to stay. "My offer still stands. Do you want the job?" he asked, sounding more than a little desperate.

She frowned. "I don't get it. Why me? I mean, surely there are dozens of other better and more qualified undercover bodyguards out there you could always employ?"

"Of course I can. But..." Athrun sweat dropped, remembering the list of undercover bodyguards the oh-so-reliable Dearka had made up for him. Between the violent, tomboyish blond in front of him and the alternatives (an Amazon woman, a military sadist, a timid mouse...), the chairman quickly decided he'd take his chances with the former. He cleared his throat. "Yeah, well, you seem perfect enough for the job. You're fierce and tough and you can fend the fan girls off my backs. And most importantly in my criteria, you aren't attracted to me. I can't have an excessively clingy fan girl suffocating me 24/7, after all."

"Oh, I see," she smirked. "You must be pretty desperate."

"Trust me, I _am_," Athrun admitted wryly. "If you agree to work for me, I'll pay you any amount of cash you want. That's how really desperate I am."

Cagalli paused, mulling over his proposal. She didn't actually _need_ money. But the job he was offering her sounded ideal for her and it would solve her currently unemployed status. She had nothing to lose. And besides...

_Athrun Zala had the most beautiful green eyes she'd ever seen!_

WARNING! INSANITY ALERT! Cagalli quickly regained her good sense and mentally slapped herself. One of the major requirements of this job was to NOT be attracted to her boss. She was NOT going to be fired for the 46th time if it was the last thing she did!

She took a deep breath and nodded.

"Alright, I accept."

…………………………………………….

Yzak Joule was looking through some important documents when he passed by one of the elevators and saw his blond-haired friend stepping out. The scar-faced man stared curiously at the blazing hand-mark decorating Dearka's cheek. "How the heck did you get _that_?"

"You won't believe this!" Dearka complained indignantly as he faced the silver-haired man. "All I wanted was my lunch, and she goes and slaps me!"

Yzak raised an elegant eyebrow. "I'm almost too afraid to ask, but what _exactly_ did you say to her?"

Dearka shrugged. "All I said was that I wanted her eggs."

Yzak twitched.

The blond looked insulted. "Not THAT kind of eggs! I meant her celebrated **omelet** eggs! I can't believe you would think me so depraved!"

"Oh, I don't think you're depraved. But then, what's _my_ humble opinion against thousands of others?"

Dearka gave the sarcastic man a look of death. "I'll pretend I didn't hear that." Then he sighed dramatically. "She keeps trying to play hard to get! But although an ordinary man may give up easily in the face of such adversity, an Elthman never surrenders without a fight! Milly's going to fall for me or I'll **DIE** trying!" With that 'inspiring' speech, the tanned blond walked into his office with renewed determination to finish up the mountains of paperwork piled high on his desk and plan new battle strategies to win Milly's elusive heart.

Yzak crossed his eyes, wondering if the latest trend in today's world was to stalk and be stalked.

…………………………………………….

In Milly's apartment, an auburn-haired girl was lying on her bed, reading the latest romance novel she had bought. She was already reading the last page, sighing dreamily when the dashing hero rescued the beautiful heroine from the clutches of her jealous stepmother and together they lived happily ever after.

Milly hugged the paperback to her chest and sighed longingly. _When am I going to meet the love of my life? The one person I could never imagine living without? All I seem to attract are blond-haired demons from hell and lecherous losers without a life! At the rate I'm going, I'm going to end up a spinster forever!_

**RRRRRRRING!**

_Huh? Who could THAT be?_ She frowned, setting aside her novel and then picking up the handset on her nightstand.

"Hello, Miriallia Haww speaking."

"Milly, it's me, Cagalli!"

"Ah, Cagalli! What's up?"

"Milly, I've found myself a job."

"Well, that's good news. I was going to look up the Internet if your answer had been a negative. So what is it?"

"As of now, I am the fiancé of the head chairman of PLANT Corporations."

"..."

"Milly, are you there? Say something!"

"...That's funny. I thought I heard you say that you had become the fiancé of one of the richest and most gorgeous men in Japan. But apparently I must have suffered from a temporary hearing disorder."

"No, you didn't. I **AM** the fiancé of PLANT's head chairman."

"..."

"MILLY!"

"I'm sorry! It's just...so hard to sink into my microprocessor! Cagalli, how the heck did you do it? I thought you weren't even _interested_ in guys!" Milly grinned mischievously. "So how did it happen? Was it some kind of love at first sight thing? Can I be the bridesmaid for the wedding?"

"Err...well...there's just one thing. Our engagement isn't _exactly_...real."

"WHAT? Stop confusing me! Are you engaged or not?"

"You see..." Cagalli told Milly about the I-Love-Athrun fan club and his many neurotic stalkers. Then she proceeded to explain why Athrun needed a bodyguard in the form of a fake fiancé. "My job is to defend him from his lust-crazed fans and to make him seem unavailable to them. That way, they would be discouraged and would lose interest in him."

Milly was worried. "Well, I'm happy that you've found yourself a job. But...don't you think it's a bit dangerous? I mean, a mob of fanatics is not something to be taken lightly. I've heard of people who died because they got trampled in the stampede. And there are even rumors that the girlfriends and wives of some popular celebrities were actually assassinated by their jealous fans!"

Cagalli waved away her friend's concerns. "I can take care of myself, Milly. Don't worry. Now you've got to promise never to tell anyone else. No one's supposed to know I'm not his real fiancé until the situation settles down."

"I won't tell. You know you can trust me."

"Good. My boss wants to fill me in on what I have to do now. I'll call you later."

As soon as Milly put down the receiver however, the telephone started to ring again. Thinking perhaps it was Cagalli again, Milly picked up the receiver. "Hello?"

And then she heard the all too familiar voice that could only belong to the man she so fondly nicknamed '_the demon from hell_'.

"Milly, it is I, Dearka!"

His cheerful greeting easily triggered her annoyance. "Go. To. HELL!"

"I'm sorry, but I'm afraid it isn't my time to go yet."

"That's a tragedy. And how the heck did you get my phone number anyway?" she demanded.

"Oh, I asked around...So have you been thinking of me?"

"I thought of you all day when I was standing over your grave at the cemetery."

"I knew it! Distance _does_ make the heart grow fonder."

Milly wanted so badly to give in to the urge to slam her head against the wall...but then she decided she should be banging Dearka's head instead. If only she could get her hands on his neck! She hissed through gritted teeth, "You must be the arithmetic man---you add irritation, subtract pleasure, divide attention, and multiply ignorance!"

From his side of the line, she could hear Dearka tsk-tsking. "Now, now, Milly. I know you find me irresistible but you don't have to shower me with your pent-up animalistic urges through insults. It's all right. You don't have to hold back your basic instincts on me."

"You have nothing to fear from my basic instincts; it's my finer ones that tell me to kill you!" she snapped.

"Milly, you break my heart."

"Good! If you die from heart problems right now, I'll happily pay for your funeral!"

"I'm touched. But really, you don't have to."

"Dearka Elthman, don't you realize that there are enough people to hate in the world already without your working so hard to add another to the human race? Now just tell me why you phoned before I file a harassment report to the police and land you behind bars!"

He sighed regretfully. "I called because I wanted to make a sincere apology. A certain 'friend' of mine made me realize the last comment I made to you earlier in the coffee shop wasn't very polite and you might have taken it the wrong way. Moreover, I didn't even have the chance to apologize because you kept screaming blue murder at me."

Milly's voice practically dripped with sarcastic sweetness. "Don't worry. I don't hold your behavior against you because I realized it was caused by childhood trauma; your parents spanked you when you fell on your head and broke the cement."

"...Ouch."

"I know. I will forever mourn the loss of your brain cells. Now, although I simply _love_ the pleasure of your company, I have to catch up with my reading. Apology accepted and all that. Goodbye and I hope I never have the misfortune of hearing your voice again!"

**SLAM!**

In his office, Dearka visibly cringed at the sound of the slamming phone and replaced the receiver.

As previously mentioned, most average males would have already given up by now under Milly's constant rejections and wounding abuse. In fact, most of their fragile male egos would have long-ago been too battered to even continue on.

But he _wasn't_ an 'average male'.

Dearka shrugged and smirked. Oh well. The road to true love never did run smooth...

…………………………………………….

Cagalli spat out the tea she had been drinking and sprayed it all over Athrun.

"You want me to do a WHAT?"

Her homicidal look of death settled on her cringing employer with frightening intensity.

Athrun wiped the tea stains from his face, privately wondering if he should have just picked the military sadist as his undercover bodyguard when he'd had the chance. "Listen, it's not that you don't look attractive. But you don't exactly have the 'look' that people usually expect from the fiancé of a high profile chairman."

"Oh, I see! So you're implying that I'm not 'fiancé material' enough for you. Is that it, Zala?" she growled with a dangerous glint in her eyes.

"Of course not! Well," Athrun coughed, "maybe you're not entirely wrong there. But people _do_ tend to expect a stereotype fiancé for a chairman. They expect someone beautiful, charming, intelligent, fashionable, gentle, and graceful---"

"And what makes you think I'm not all that?" The fuming blond slammed her tea cup on the table with such force that the cup actually _shattered_.

Both of them sweat dropped.

"Okay, so I'm not THAT gentle or graceful..." Cagalli crossed her arms stubbornly. "But I'm not ugly and I have a higher I.Q. than the stereotyped '_ditzy blond'_. And what's wrong with T-shirts and jeans?"

"There's nothing wrong with your clothes. But we're trying to convince the public that we're really a couple, and so we have to maintain a certain image." Athrun felt like ripping his hair out in sheer frustration. Trying to negotiate with Cagalli was like trying to calm a raging bull. It was starting to drive him up the wall! "It's just a little make-over. Please, Miss Cagalli. I'll even DOUBLE your fee if you can just do this without putting up a fuss!"

"Jeez. For someone who's supposedly desperate, you sure make a lot of demands!" Cagalli threw up her hands in disgust. Then her dratted soft side kicked in when she saw how frustrated Athrun looked. _Darn it! Curse my innate compassion! _

With a roll of her eyes, she finally gave in. "Fine, fine, I'll do it. But I KNOW I'm not going to like this!"

…………………………………………….

An hour later, Cagalli was proved right.

The French hairstylist, who had been taken in by the secret backdoor behind Athrun's mansion, was waving the blow-dryer in his left hand as if it was a piece of Flash-Gordon-type artillery and he had just landed on a hostile planet. The hostile alien being, of course, Cagalli.

"She is impossible!" the stylist raged at Athrun. "Utterly impossible! I managed to get a decent cut and a little off the side, but after that---" The hairstylist rattled off into a string of French curses and foreign expletives that Athrun didn't understand but guessed it wasn't pretty.

"Calm down," Athrun tried to soothe him. "I'm sure she's not THAT bad..."

"Hah!" The stylist snorted. "She's my worst client yet! She doesn't cooperate at all!"

"Of course I'm cooperating! Up to a point at least."

Cagalli strolled out of the dining room turned make-shift salon. Her short flaxen hair had been styled and layered to accent its thickness and her bangs now fell gracefully over her amber eyes. She narrowed those eyes dangerously at the cursing stylist. "Zala, keep that weirdo with the blow-dryer away from me or I won't be held responsible for the brutal display of power that would follow."

"You see? You see what I have to put up with?" The hairstylist waved the dryer threateningly as he turned to Athrun for moral support. "How can I be expected to deal with this sort of low-class impudence? You asked me to give her style, and this is how the stubborn girl reacts!"

The chairman glanced from the teeth-gnashing hairstylist to the highly irritated blond and then back again. They were stuck in a glaring match like two fighters preparing to pound each other into smithereens...with Athrun as the referee.

He sighed and felt a migraine coming up.

_I really should have picked the military sadist..._

…………………………………………….

(TBC)


	3. Chapter Three

After some nasty name-callings, foul oaths and French swear words, a broken vase, a huge hole in the wall, MORE foul oaths and French swear words, and two broken windows later, Cagalli and the hairstylist FINALLY reached a compromise. He would only give her a light trim and in turn, the blond wouldn't grumble until the end of the haircut appointment. Now all that was needed was to wash up her face and clean the remnants of the hair trim.

The chairman of PLANT was patiently waiting outside the dining room. After taking some aspirin to cure his throbbing migraine, Athrun's mental calculator considered the cost of damage that had occurred as a product of the wrestling match. He sighed, shaking his head sadly when he saw the broken pieces of a **very** rare, **very** priceless porcelain vase on the floor. _And it was my favorite one too..._

Suddenly, the French hairstylist flung open the door and smiled proudly. "_Voila_! Mr. Zala, I present to you, the **NEW** Cagalli Yula!"

The said blond slowly walked out of the improvised beauty parlor. Athrun stood back, silently admiring the new Cagalli. With her new and improved haircut and sparkling clean face, he could now fully appreciate her beautifully shaped face and brilliant golden-brown eyes. He smiled and tilted his head. "Cagalli, you look so...so..."

She grinned up at him expectantly. _Beautiful? Gorgeous? Amazingly stunning?_

"...So _cute_!"

_**WHA---?**_

Her eyebrow twitched. "Cute? **CUTE**?" The murderous look in her eyes made Athrun sweat drop and back down a few steps, wondering what he'd done to deserve her wrath this time. "Where's the mirror? Dammit! If that freak show with the stupid blow-dryer made me 'cute', I'm going to get back at him, I swear I am! You'd better run too, Athrun Zala, since YOU'RE the one who made me suffer through this hell! Cute, of all things! That's for a little girl! Oh, crap!"

………………………………………………………….

_Undercover Fiancé Wanted, Desperately _

_Chapter Three_

………………………………………………………….

Cagalli's temper tantrum resulted in yet another broken vase (which happened to be Athrun's **second** favorite one) and a wounded hairstylist suffering from internal hemorrhage. After swearing never again to work for that 'crazy, demented monster who somehow escaped from the sanitarium', the stylist huffed and marched out of the front door before Athrun could advise him to use the backdoor instead. Soundproof walls prevented the sweatdropping chairman and the regretful blond from hearing the horrified screams of the poor hairstylist as he was engulfed into the clutches of screaming raging fangirls.

There was a momentary silence of grieving.

Then Athrun cleared his throat. "Well, now that you've completed step one, it is time to instigate the next step."

The blond looked surprised. "_Next_ step...?"

"That's right. We're going to shop for new clothes."

Cagalli's eye twitched. "What's wrong with the clothes I'm wearing NOW?"

"Let's not start World War III again please. I'd like to keep my remaining household items intact." Athrun gazed meaningfully at his third favorite vase conveniently located on a table next to Cagalli.

She crossed her arms and raised an eyebrow. "You forgot one thing, Zala. How are we supposed to leave without getting mobbed by a pack of ravenous, testosterone-driven predators waiting to pounce on you as soon as you take one step outside?"

Athrun smirked. "Simple. We'll wear disguises and go out using the secret backdoor. No one will even know it's us."

…………………………………………….

"Err...Mr. Zala, sir, may I have your autograph?"

Athrun sweat dropped as the 27th girl who saw through his 'ingenious disguise' as a mustached man with wire-rimmed glasses and a floppy head shyly walked up to him . He forced a smile on his face and took the autograph book from her. "Sure. Just give me a pen."

As soon as the fan girl left, Cagalli repeated his words mockingly, "_No one will even know it's us_, huh?"

Athrun shot her an extremely annoyed look. Then he sighed, exasperated. "I don't understand it. I watched all those spy movies and it works all the time! So why do I stick out like a sore thumb?"

"It must be your green eyes and that blue hair of yours," she noted wisely. "Not many people have that kind of physical combination."

He arched an eyebrow. "You mean I look like a mutated freak?"

"Don't be ridiculous. You look---" _absolutely swoon-worthily drop-dead gorgeous, exactly what I'd like to eat for dessert, that's how you look _"---fine," she finished lamely. Drat. If she'd blurted out what she was thinking, she could kiss her job goodbye. She had to strengthen her resolve! She had to ignore the attraction she was feeling for her appealing boss! She had to STOP STARING at him like a drooling idiot! How could a guy wearing such a ridiculous disguise still look so attractive? It's plain illegal!

She focused her attention on that interesting little speck above his head. "Well, now that we've confirmed that you look like a normal human being, can we resume our journey to whatever place you want us to go to?"

He took off the glasses and the moustache, deciding to give up on acting like an undercover agent. "Sure. We'll head over there. It looks like a good place to start clothes hunting." Athrun pointed to an innocent-looking store across the street, not realizing the two of them were about to cause panic, mayhem and confusion in a mere sixty minutes.

…………………………………………….

"Yzak, old buddy, old pal..."

The president of PLANT Corporations didn't even bother to lift his head up from the paperwork he was buried in. "What is it you want from me _this _time, Elthman?" asked Yzak in ill-concealed boredom.

Dearka placed a hand over his heart with a wounded expression. "Yzak, I'm hurt. How could you say that? Maybe I'm just dropping by for a quick visit. Or maybe I just miss seeing your face. Or maybe---"

"_Right_; and MAYBE I'm donating all my money to charity and then jumping off a cliff without a parachute." Yzak's lips twisted sarcastically. "You ALWAYS use that saccharine tone when you want something. And that _something_ usually involves me sticking out my neck under an axe for you."

The tanned blond smirked. "Well, this time you don't have to worry about the welfare of your precious neck. In fact, I think you can help me out with this little problem of mine."

"Oh, I'd _love_ to help you out. Which way did you come in?"

Dearka ignored the sarcastic remark. "See, it's about this girl---"

"Do I look like a relationship guru who dishes out love advice to you?" Yzak deadpanned.

"Of course you don't. But, you know, since you're my closest friend and you live with a woman all you life---"

The Joule narrowed his eyes dangerously. "Let me make three things perfectly clear to your brain damaged head, Dearka. One," he raised a finger, "the only so-called 'woman' in my life is my _slightly_ deranged mother; hardly the ideal female to dig up love counsel materials from. And two," a second finger, "I have my own bachelor pad FAR away from my mother's house. And three," a third finger, "on what frozen day in Hades' do you think I'll ever degrade myself into becoming a psychotherapist for idiots who can't manage their own tangled love lives?"

Dearka smiled weakly. "Err...because we're good friends?"

"...You must be kidding."

"Umm...because of those times I helped arrange blind dates for you?"

"...You must be crazy."

"Err...because if you don't, I won't budge an inch from your office and continue pestering you until you give in?"

Yzak's eye twitched. Short of butchering the blond into tiny little pieces and dumping those pieces somewhere in a garbage disposal, he KNEW Dearka would make good on his word and harass him all day like a buzzing mosquito---only TWICE as irritating. The idea of killing him off was **VERY** tempting...but not worth the trouble with the police.

The silver-haired man threw a sub-zero glare at his so-called 'friend'. "Fine, you win this round. But next time you hand me this threat, not only will I ignore it, but I won't hesitate to strangle you to death."

Dearka shrugged as if he received death threats from his friends on a daily basis.

Yzak crossed his arms with a mocking smirk. "Now go ahead and don't be afraid to pour out **all** your love problems. I have a tissue box and an umbrella prepared for every emotional emergency."

…………………………………………….

Athrun had let Cagalli have free rein with her clothing selection, as long as it complied with certain rules. The four golden rules being:

(A) No jeans and T-shirts.

(B) No baggy clothing.

(C) No _revealing_ garments.

And finally, (D) No fake fur coats or any other products relating to furs (_he was a proud supporter of the Save the Wild Animals society)_.

After fifteen minutes of careful selection, Cagalli picked out five outfits that looked promising and headed for the changing booth. Athrun gave her a few minutes to change before he went over to examine her.

Cagalli was standing in front of a floor-length mirror next to the booth, inspecting her appearance with a thoughtful frown. Athrun's gaze fixed on the creamy expanse of skin at her ankle. Up one shapely calf, then knee, before the image disappeared beneath the hemline of a straight black skirt that hugged her hips flawlessly.

"Ugh! I look AND feel like an overstuffed sausage!" Cagalli burst out as she fidgeted with her skirt.

"No, you don't. You look beautiful." Athrun mentally smacked his head when he said that. Hadn't it sunk into his thick skull that Cagalli disliked his compliments?

Shock swept her features, then anger, and Athrun knew he was in for it. But when she opened her mouth, the only thing in her voice was undisguised curiosity. "Really? Why?"

He raised an eyebrow. "Are you _kidding_?"

"No. So what is it about the way I look now as opposed to fifteen minutes ago that made you say that?"

Okay, so she was serious. "You look..." His gaze started at her ankles, and moved upward. He couldn't believe they were having this absurd conversation. All of the women in his past had had plenty of self-confidence when it came to looks. But this woman looked completely oblivious to her sexual appeal...

"Curvy," he blurted out. "Very curvy. The skirt shows off your legs and hips...and your blouse too. It shows off a lot of your---"

What the heck was he SAYING? Were all those disgusting garbage actually spewing out of HIS mouth?

_Flush every perverted thought out of your brain, Zala. Think of other things. Think of your paperwork, your contract with ORB, your paperwork, your contract with ORB, your paperwork..._

Athrun was locked in a silent combat with his inner depraved self. The blond raised an eyebrow, clearly questioning his sanity. Deciding to give him more space, Cagalli walked into the booth to change into another piece of clothing she'd chosen. She had already pulled off her blouse and skirt when suddenly someone jerked open the drape and grabbed her shirt and jeans.

Cagalli gave a surprised yell, which brought Athrun running. He flung open the curtain and asked worriedly, "Cagalli, what's wro---"

Then he saw it.

Cagalli minus no clothes equals naked Cagalli.

"What the---" Athrun's cheeks flamed and he clamped a hand over his eyes. "I didn't see that! I swear!"

Muttering something about useless men, Cagalli tugged the curtain off and wrapped it around her. She then pushed Athrun away and grabbed the only available weapon she could reach---a red bra in a box full of bras. She grabbed one and raced after the thief.

"Come back here, you bastard!" Cagalli snarled and threw the red bra at the thief. The bra looped around his neck and cut off his oxygen supply.

The thief came to a gasping halt and dropped Cagalli's clothes as he struggled to free himself from the bra closing off his air. Cagalli balled her hand into a fist and slammed it directly against the man's jaw. The poor guy crashed into a wall and slid down into a lifeless heap on the floor.

The blond dusted her hands in satisfaction. "Take THAT, your dirty thief!"

A mob of curious shoppers started to crowd around, wondering what the fuss was about. The manager of the store also bustled into the scene and demanded, "What is going on here?"

"I'll tell you what's going on," Cagalli snapped. "You see here the product of your lack of a good security system and lousy manage---"

"What she means is," Athrun hastily interrupted before her big mouth earned them a ban from ever getting inside the store again, "that she's still in shock over the whole thing."

The manager frowned as he stared at Athrun. Then recognition dawned on him and he gaped in shock. "Y-You're Athrun Zala, aren't you? The chairman of PLANT Corporations?"

The crowd gasped and stared at the infamous chairman. Cagalli inched closer to Athrun protectively, narrowing her eyes at the ogling female shoppers ranging from age twelve to seventy-five already thinking of throwing themselves into his arms. Cagalli's scary expression conveyed a warning that said _Keep your filthy gazes off him, ladies. He's MINE!_

"Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Zala, sir! I had no idea how this could have happened! What can I possibly do to make up for it?" Having discovered the emerald-eyed man standing before him was one of the wealthiest and most influential man in Japan, the manager was now practically kissing Athrun's feet.

Athrun looked embarrassed. "Oh, there's no harm done. Just try and tighten your security, alright?"

"No, no, I insist that I give you the clothes you chose for free. And I sincerely hope this won't discourage you from visiting our fine store again." The manager's expression said _I don't want to be around if you **do **come back._

As soon as the clothes were given to them, Athrun and Cagalli made their way out of the store. There was a tense look on Athrun's face. The blond perceived it and sighed. "Okay. What did I do wrong?"

"You hit that man." His tone suggested she'd boiled the man in oil, thrown him into a pit of poisonous snakes and fed his body parts to the scavengers.

Cagalli scowled. "What would you have me do, huh? That lowdown filthy thief was stealing our stuff!"

"Maybe you could've discussed it, given him some options, before you hit him."

"_Discussed_ it?" Cagalli rolled her eyes at the ridiculous suggestion. "Are you out of your freaking mind? What am I suppose to say? Oh, hello, my name is Cagalli. I'm the owner of the clothes you're stealing. Please give them back before you end up in the recuperation ward with a misshapen face and a battered body. Hah! As if!"

"Which proves my point," he interjected. "You're too aggressive."

"I am NOT aggressive! If I wasn't _gentle_, that thief would already be comatose inside a coffin six feet under!"

"But to pose as my fiancé, you need to act like a gently-bred woman."

Her eyes flashed. "You mean, scream in horror, faint dead away at the first sign of danger and let the men take care of everything? Do I look like a helpless damsel in distress?"

"Of course you don't but---"

Suddenly, something caught Athrun's eye. At first, it looked like a moving dot. Then as it quickly drew closer, he could make out a mass of bodies---bodies that belong to a certain fan club...

Athrun's eyes grew wider than a pair of twin saucers and he pointed behind the fuming blond. "Err, Cagalli---"

"**DON'T TRY TO CHANGE THE SUBJECT**! Now where was I? Oh yes. I'm not that kind of girl. Just because I'm smaller than you and I'm a member of the opposite sex, doesn't mean I'm a weak, defenseless female!"

"Cagalli, look behind you."

The blond rolled her eyes. "Do I look like an idiot to you? I'm not going to fall for THAT trick!"

"No, really! LOOK!"

Finally, Cagalli turned her head and did a double take when she saw the huge---and I mean, HUGE---mass of hormone-afflicted fan girls running in their direction, holding up banners and posters. Only this time, they looked like they were hell-bent on capturing their beloved Athrun, dead or alive, fiancé or no.

"Well, bodyguard, any bright ideas?" Athrun asked, not daring to take his eyes off the raging fan girls fast approaching them.

"Yes, I have one age-old traditional idea. RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!"

She grabbed Athrun's collar and together they sped off in the opposite direction.

…………………………………………….

"ACHOO!"

Milly rubbed her nose and sniffled. She was tired, moody and highly irritated. Some of the waitresses and cooks were complaining about the lack of breaks and that their earnings were not enough for the work hours. Some even threatened to leave and join the newly-built café across the street. It was up to Milly and a few loyal employees to fill in their shoes temporarily for the evening shift. _Look who's the one who's REALLY working overtime,_ she fumed as she mopped the floors. _Some people just don't appreciate what they have..._

She sneezed again. "ACHOO! Oh God, don't tell me I have the flu?"

"Milly!"

The girl in question almost died from cardiac arrest. She gripped the mop in her hand tightly, resisting the incredibly powerful urge to whack the too-familiar blond over the head until he died of blood loss.

Glaring with supreme dislike at the congenitally clueless sub-human who was living proof that man CAN live without a brain, Milly snarled, "What do you want, Elthman? Have you marked today as 'let's-torture-Milly-just-for-the-heck-of-it' day in your calendar? Isn't it enough that you insulted me this morning and harassed me over the phone?"

The evil look in her eyes lost their effect when she suddenly sneezed again.

Dearka Elthman grinned, hands clasped behind his back. "I just dropped by for a visit, that's all. You seem to work three times harder than most. I'm sure you must be lonely working in the evening shift. So I came to keep you company."

Milly gritted her teeth. "Don't worry. I think of you when I'm lonely. Then I am content to be alone."

The insufferable blond looked hurt. "Milly, you act as if I'm the worst person who ever walked the earth."

"Oh _no_. You aren't the worst person who ever walked the earth, but until someone worse comes a long, you'll do."

Dearka sighed dramatically. "All I wanted was to give you a few moments of joy."

"Is your middle name Laryngitis? Because instead of joy, you give me a BIG pain in the neck!"

"Ah, I'm afraid it isn't," Dearka said with a mild shrug. "Anyway, I just came by because I wanted to apologize AGAIN for supposedly harassing you. Truly, I mean you no harm. But I can't help myself. I enjoy the pleasure of your company."

She smiled oh-so-sweetly. "I would _love_ the pleasure of your company as well, but it only gives me _dis_pleasure." She sneezed again, and he asked in concern, "Hey, are you alright?"

"It's nothing much. I'm just suffering from an influenza spread by a certain 'virus' standing in front of me." She gave the 'virus' a glare of doom.

Dearka smirked. "It's alright, Milly. I understand you're hopelessly infatuated with my charm, but you don't have to hide it behind a mask of hate."

She sighed exasperatedly. "I've had many cases of love that were just infatuation, but this hate I feel for you is the real thing."

He smiled and shook a finger. "Now, now, Milly, I have something to give you. So let's not start a battle of wits between us."

"There **IS** no battle of wits between you and me. I never pick on an unarmed man."

Dearka cleared his throat and began the speech he'd been rehearsing in his head. "I realize that over the few weeks we've known each other, I've been a constant source of irritation to you---"

"Pardon me, but you've obvious mistaken me for someone who gives a damn." She went on mopping, pretending she didn't hear him.

"---and I know that you've put up with me for too long. And I think it's time we reach a truce..."

"Keep talking. I always yawn when I'm interested."

"...And as a symbol of my apology, I've taken the liberty of buying you _this_." The blond withdrew the 'gift' he had been hiding behind his back and held out a bouquet of beautiful, fresh yellow roses.

The auburn-haired girl gaped at him for a stunned moment. Dearka smirked, thinking that he'd finally won over the headstrong girl who'd kept him at arm's length for so long. And with something so simple too! He should have done this a **long** time ago.

_Hmm...Looks like Yzak was right, after all..._

----------

**A DIALOGUE BETWEEN YZAK AND DEARKA IN HIS OFFICE**

_**A flashback in one act, written and directed by Dearka's subconscious mind**_

_Yzak: ...So let me get this straight, you're 'in love' with a girl named Milly. And she's turned you down...how many times?_

_Dearka: 346 times._

_Yzak: (Raises an eyebrow) You've been counting?_

_Dearka: (Grins sheepishly) _

_Yzak: (Smirks) I don't really blame her. At least the girl has taste. And if this is a case of 'opposites attract', I'd say she's also attractive, intelligent and cultured. _

_Dearka: (Looks insulted) Hey, you ARE trying to help me, aren't you? _

_Yzak: I'm simply pointing out the obvious. Besides, why do you keep crawling back to her for more abuse? You'd think after the 346th time she humiliated you, you'd finally realize she doesn't like you and move on by now. Or do you need her to buy a blackboard and spell it out to you in big capital letters?_

_Dearka: I told you. It's because---_

_Yzak: (Rolls eyes) Yes, yes, yes, I know. You're a man who always sticks by his convictions and doesn't give up without a fight and you will remain a fool no matter how much you get ridiculed for it._

_Dearka: ...That hurt._

_Yzak: (Sarcastic) The truth always hurts. Now to business. It's actually very easy to win the heart of a female. I'll give you a hint that even **your** feeble mind can comprehend. The alphabet starts with the letter 'F' and it's something bees need to produce honey._

_Dearka: (Snaps his fingers) That's easy. Flowers! But...Milly isn't like any other girl._

_Yzak: (Irritated) Are you always this stupid or are you making a special effort today? It's an unwritten rule in the book of life that ALL women are suckers for flowers. Buy her bouquet of flowers and proclaim your undying love for her, and she'll fall into your arms without a second thought. _

_Dearka: That sounds almost TOO easy. Yzak, where the hell do you get these ideas?_

_Yzak: I have a mother to appease. That alone gives me some ideas. Now, why don't you head on over to your little girlfriend's home and shower her with your annoying attention and **leave**. **Me**._ _**Alone**!_

_Dearka: (Happily leaves office. Then turns and shoots Yzak a questioning look) Err...by the way, I've always wondered and since you mentioned it...how come you ignored the attention of every interested female I've forced you into blind dating with? Does it mean the rumors I heard are true? That you're...gay?_

_Yzak: (Eye twitches. Smiles evilly) Dearka, would you like to play a game with me?_

_Dearka: (Interested) What kind?_

_Yzak: This game is called 'let's play house'. You be the door and I'll slam you!_

----------

After Yzak kicked him out of the office and threatened to castrate the blond if he ever barged in again with some stupid problem OR try to contaminate the Joule's breathing space with mental diarrhea, Dearka headed straight for the best florist in Japan. An hour was spent choosing the right flowers, a minute calling if Milly was home, and then fifteen minutes making his way to the café...

...Which brings us back to the present.

In his fantasy, Dearka fully expected Milly to swoon at his feet and thank him from the bottom of her heart for the flowers. Then he'd ask her out for a date and she'd eagerly accept. Finally, he'd cast his 'Elthman charm' on her and by the end of the night he'd have her eating out of his hand.

It was a one-hundred-percent full proof plan!

BUT he miscalculated one _little _detail...as demonstrated when Milly pinched the bridge of her nose, snatched the bouquet of roses from Dearka's startled hands and proceeded to bash his head with it.

"**ELTHMAN, YOU MORON, I'M ALLERGIC TO FLOWERS**!"

…………………………………………….

Cagalli and Athrun were running like their legs were on fire. They had no idea where they were running to or which direction they were taking. When the blond glanced backward, she was surprised to see the Athrun-obsessed fans were gaining on them. Amazing, what the power of love could do to your metabolism.

The two turned into an alley. They came to a screeching halt when they faced a large brick wall. It was a dead-end.

"Retract!" Athrun did an about-turn.

"**ATHRUN, ATHRUN, WE LOVE YOU**!"

It was too late to turn back. The fan girls had almost reached the only exit they have.

They were trapped like helpless rats.

"**YOU'RE SO COOL, ATHRUN**!"

"**L-O-V-E, ATHRUN, WE LOVE YOU**!"

"**ATHRUN, BE MINE**!"

The chants and screeches were coming closer. The chairman looked absolutely freaked out. He gulped and glanced at the blond-haired girl. "Can you fight them off?"

She sent him a look of death. "Who's the one who lectured me about being, I quote, 'too aggressive'?"

"Unbelievable! Cagalli, we're in the middle of an urgent crisis here. This is NOT the time to recite quotes! I repeat, can you fight them off?"

She rolled her eyes heavenward. "I'm a bodyguard, not Superman! Trust me, I'd be using my laser-eye vision to disintegrate them by now if I could!"

He exhaled deeply. "Then we'll have to resort to Plan B."

"Great. What's Plan B?"

"...I'll tell you as soon as I can think of one."

"Well, think FAST, Einstein, because we're running out of time!"

Cagalli dropped the shopping bags and grabbed a broken piece of wood out of a garbage can, prepared to stand her ground and fight to her last breath. Athrun, on the other hand, had no intention of losing his life just yet. After all, he had a company to run, paperwork to finish, contracts to sign...

"**ATHRUN, ATHRUN, ATHRUN**!"

The flood of screaming fan girls poured into the alley. They stopped when they noticed Cagalli and every one of them shared identical looks of homicidal intent.

Cagalli swung the wood like a baseball bat. "Come within swinging distance to us, and you'll get free passes to Kingdom Come," she growled.

One of the fan girls sneered, "We're not afraid of you, witch!"

"Yeah!" Another Athrun fanatic glowered at her. "We know all about your evil plan to seduce and blackmail our darling Athrun. Well, your wicked intentions will NEVER succeed! We'll protect Athrun with our united strength and save him from your evil clutches!"

Cheers and agreements amongst the fans.

"Besides," snarled a fan girl, "I bet you aren't even his REAL fiancé! I bet you somehow brainwashed him into thinking he was in love with you! There's nothing about you that could attract someone as handsome and dashing as our Athrun, you Amazon!"

Cagalli gnashed her teeth and prepared to swing her makeshift bat.

Things were turning _really _ugly _really _fast.

Athrun cracked his brains for some idea---ANY idea! After some high-speed brain blasting, he finally cooked up a plan that would have made Dearka proud.

True, it was desperate. It was insane. It might even get him murdered.

But it was a risk he had to take.

_Please don't club me over the head for this, Cagalli..._

"What are you talking about?" Athrun gave a strained smile to his fan girls and placed his arm around Cagalli's waist. "Of course I'm in love with her. Cagalli is my life. And if you don't believe us, we'll show you the truth in the most fundamental way we know how."

"Zala, what the heck do you think you're---"

Cagalli didn't have the chance to finish her sentence because right there, smack dab in a dead-end alleyway, before God, man, fan girls and the stray dog across the street, Athrun lowered his head and kissed her.

…………………………………………….

(TBC)


	4. Chapter Four

One minute she was ready to go berserk on those irritating fangirls, the next Cagalli found herself lip-locked with Athrun. And, shockingly, she was enjoying every millisecond of it.

_Snap out of it, Cagalli. Use that bat and BASH his cute face in for this!_

But her muscles were not responding. Instead the bat slowly fell from her hand.

His kiss was gentle, persuasive, and intoxicating. Every nerve-ending buzzed, every hair stood on end, and every part of her was drowning in the havoc his kiss evoked within her. Cagalli couldn't even summon the energy to move an inch. She was THAT stupefied.

Finally, Athrun pulled back, staring at her in confusion. It appeared he was affected by the kiss too. Then he shook his head and regarded his disappointed fan girls apologetically. "Right, so you see, we're officially a couple. Now would you all please stop following me around?"

His groupies were too busy bawling their eyes out to hear him. They couldn't believe their sweetheart, their darling Athrun, would pick the ugliest, most unfeminine woman in the universe to fill in the coveted role of his fiancé. It just wasn't natural! Not to mention unfair!

"NO! I REFUSE TO BELIEVE IT!" One of the fangirls cried as she raised a fist into the air. "Athrun would NEVER fall for a hideous barbaric tomboy like her! I don't care! I'm going to save my beloved Athrun from that EVIL witch's EVIL plan to trap him into marriage! Who's with me?"

Every one of the Athrun enthusiasts raised their hands. "That's right!" agreed another fan girl. "I can't accept this! I'm sure that Wicked Witch from the West poured some kind of love potion into his drink and made him fall for her! I don't care what my darling Athrun says! I'm going to rescue him from the worst mistake he'll ever make in his life!"

"**LET'S GET HER**!"

But when the enraged fangirls turned to attack Cagalli with torches and pitchforks, they saw only an empty space where the blond once stood.

Athrun and Cagalli were gone!

While the fan girls had been knee-deep in their pep rally, the chairman and his fake fiancé had tip-toed away from them ever so quietly. When they felt they were out of harm's way from his lust-crazed groupies, Athrun dialed his cell phone and ordered his driver to come pick them up A.S.A.P.

"Okay, now all we have to do is stand here and wait," Athrun said as he closed his cell phone.

Cagalli looked behind him and sweatdropped. "Err...I don't think we have time to wait, Zala."

The chairman of PLANT followed her gaze and saw the Athrun-crazed fangirls shrieking like banshees as they headed straight for them. He groaned and slapped his forehead. "For goodness' sake, can't they leave me alone for even one minute?"

"**L-O-V-E, WE LOVE YOU, ATHRUN**!"

"**BURN IN HELL, EVIL WITCH CAGALLI**!"

Cagalli's face darkened and she grabbed a nearby rock the size of a washing machine. "No one calls me names and gets away with it!" she hissed as she stomped over to the fan girls with deadly intent.

"Cagalli, no!" Athrun grabbed the **extremely **ticked off blonde's by the waist and tried to hold her back. "Calm down! Violence solves nothing."

"Violence may solve nothing but it sure as heck would give me satisfaction!" Cagalli thrashed about, itching to tear the scalp off the stupid bimbos who DARED cross her.

"Master Athrun!"

The chauffeur had finally arrived and Athrun dragged her struggling body into the limousine. But instead of discouraging them, the swarming crowd of insane fangirls raced after the vehicle.

Cagalli was actually beginning to see a bizarre pattern here: Fan girls come. They run. Fan girls chase. They're trapped. Cagalli gets mad. Athrun acts stupid. And then the limousine comes to save the day.

"You know, this is quickly becoming a habit," she muttered as the limo headed for the mansion.

"I agree." Athrun stared at the rearview mirror and caught sight of the testosterone-high fanatics chasing after the limousine. He sighed and leaned back against his seat, wondering if this will ever end. "Now Cagalli, I know this is sudden but you'll have to stay over at my manor for the moment. I think those fan girls aren't overly enthusiastic with our 'engagement' and they might do something drastic. For your own safety, you have to---Cagalli?" He stopped talking when he realized the blond hadn't responded at all.

Her eyes were narrowed dangerously and homicidal vibes radiated off her---vibes that were directed at HIM.

Athrun gulped. Not good. Definitely not good.

"Athrun," she began in an ultra-calm voice, "since the moment we met, you've been constantly taking advantage of me in public, but I tried to give you the benefit of the doubt. Exhibit A: You practically kidnap me and proclaimed to the world I was your fiancé. I could _almost_ forgive you for that one, except later on there's exhibit B: You saw me naked. Again, I could **almost **forgive you since it was an accident. But then there's exhibit C: You kissed me...WITHOUT PERMISSION! Do you realize what this means?"

An evil smile slowly spread across her lips as her face loomed over his. "It means three strikes, and _you're out_!"

Athrun sweatdropped and slowly inched as far away from her as the limo seats could allow him.

"Err...Can't we discuss this over tea and biscuits like calm, rational adults?" he asked with a nervous smile.

The expression on Cagalli's forbidding face said she had no intention of having any form of discussion with him. With a battle cry, she suddenly raised her fist and lunge at him, ready to pummel Athrun's pretty face to a lovely shade of black and blue.

The result was NOT going to be pretty.

"**HIIIIIIYYYYAAAA**!"

………………………………………………………….

_Undercover Fiancé Wanted, Desperately _

_Chapter Four_

………………………………………………………….

It was one of those pleasant mornings when you think everything should be all right in the world. The sun was shining, the sky was blue, the birds were singing...and the alarm clock was getting FREAKING ANNOYING!

"Shut up already!" Cagalli covered her head with the pillow and tried to resume her blissful sleep. However, the alarm clock obviously could not comprehend the human language because it continued ringing her brains out. She gritted her teeth and glared at it through one open eye. "I'm warning you, mister! If you don't shut up, you're never going to ring for another morning!"

But the alarm clock persisted in taunting her. RRRRRRING! RRRRRRRRRING!

So really, was it **HER** fault that she grabbed that irritating alarm clock, threw it out the window and let it crash three-stories down into tiny, itty bitty pieces?

"That should take care of THAT garbage." She yawned and stretched her back as she slowly sat up in bed. Then she looked around her and frowned. Her bedroom looked so elegant, so refined, so CLEAN...when it should have looked like an atomic bomb had blown it up! _Strange. Who does everything look so different from my old room?_

Oh, right. Now she remembered. She had a sleepover in Athrun's mansion yesterday night. This was one of his guest rooms.

After taking a quick shower and changing into her regular shirt and jeans, Cagalli walked down the staircase like a drooling zombie as she headed for the kitchen for breakfast. As you can see, she was NOT a morning person and never will be.

As she passed by the dining room, Athrun Zala looked up from the newspaper and smiled.

"Good afternoon, Cagalli."

She threw him an irritated glare. How could ANYONE sound so cheerful in the morning? It's inhuman! It's illegal! It's...

_Wait a minute._

"Good afternoon? But it's only---TWELVE THIRTY!" Cagalli's eyes nearly bugged out as she stared at the clock on the mantelpiece. "Zala, why didn't you wake me up earlier?"

Athrun smiled. "Because it's rude. Not to mention how tired you must feel after running around in circles with fan girls chasing you from behind."

Humph, typical Athrun. He was as considerate as ever.

"Oh, and I saw something strange a minute ago. I thought I saw an alarm clock dropping from the sky. And it looked kind of like the expensive one-thousand-dollar gold alarm clock I bought from Paris..." The chairman tapped his chin thoughtfully.

Cagalli coughed. "Err...must have your imagination."

He shrugged. "You're probably right."

She quickly changed the subject. "I still can't believe you managed to avoid every blow I gave you even though we were in restricted space. How do you do it? I was one of the best martial artists in my high school and I thought I'd hit you at least once!" The blond eyed his unharmed body speculatively.

"Oh, you're good. But your concentration was more on attacking than truly damaging me."

There was a glint of admiration in her eyes. "What are you talking about? I was seriously thinking of killing you and you evaded my every blow! You must have a black belt in martial arts!"

He sweatdropped. "I guess I'll take that as a compliment. I was trained in martial arts when I was younger, so I guess it comes in handy at times."

Athrun suddenly stood up and gently took her hand in his. The blond looked surprised and blushed slightly.

"Cagalli, I want to give you this."

From his pocket, he pulled out a beautiful diamond ring that looked like it cost a fortune and slipped it into her finger. She gasped.

"It's your engagement ring," he explained. "Today we're going on our first date, and I want everyone to see us as a real engaged couple."

"Wow!" Cagalli gazed at the sparkling ring in awe. "It's beautiful! I don't recall you going to a jewelry shop yesterday. Where did you get it?"

"Actually, it's a family ring and there's a special legend behind this thing," Athrun said. "You see, the ring was once blessed---or cursed, depending on whose point of view---by a priest more than a millennium ago. The Zala ring must be given to the woman a Zala male loves or bad luck shall befall on the family. Since then, it's been passed down from father to son, generation after generation..."

She arched an eyebrow. "But that's just a legend...right?"

"Well, ten years ago, I had an uncle who was in love with a penniless woman. Because he cared so much for money and social status, he married a rich socialite and kept the woman he loved a mistress. Then the bank he manages goes into bankruptcy, he lost all his investments and his wife ran off with another man. In the end, he shot himself to death and died in the arms of his mistress."

Cagalli stared at the ring on her finger, aghast. "Maybe I shouldn't be wearing this..."

"Hey, don't take it seriously," Athrun said, laughing. "Besides, it's not like we're REALLY going to marry. It's just for show, right?"

She forced a smile. "Right."

There was an awkward pause.

Athrun cleared his throat. "Err...so how about we have lunch now? Since it's our first date, you can pick the place you want to eat. Perhaps somewhere public..."

"Alright then!" Cagalli brightened. "How about we head to a McDonald's?"

He blinked. "A...McDonald's?"

"That's right. It's been so long since I've eaten there and I---" She frowned when Athrun wore a vacant look that said he hadn't a clue what she was babbling about. "You...HAVE heard of a McDonald's before, right?"

"..."

"What about KFC?"

"..."

"Have you heard of Pizza Hut?"

"..."

"Have you heard of ANY fast-food joints?"

The blank look on his face was all the answer she needed.

She slapped her forehead. "Boy, do we really need to brush up on your ignorance! Where have you been these past centuries? On Planet Jupiter?"

He coughed. "Not exactly..." Usually, he hadn't the time to eat outside his office, and even if he did it would be to an uptown ritzy diner. Not that he had any intention of revealing this bit of information. She probably wasn't used to the kind of places he was accustomed to.

Cagalli raised a determined fist and a fiery aura surrounded her. "Zala, that's all about to change. Everyone MUST at least ONCE step into a fast-food joint and eat junk food. It's practically one of the most basic rules of life! You're missing out on something too good to pass up here. Fortunately for you, I'm going to remedy that! Come on!"

Athrun silently prayed for his life.

His obsessive fangirls had set up camp outside the front gate, so after taking the secret backdoor behind the mansion, the two of them made their way past the courtyard quietly. It was under Cagalli's window that Athrun heard a soft crunch under his foot and looked down quizzically. It looked like broken shards of something mechanical...and round...and golden...

Something like the expensive one-thousand-dollar gold alarm clock he'd bought from Paris.

The chairman stared at the broken alarm clock and then looked at Cagalli.

She blinked innocently. "What?"

…………………………………………….

Miriallia stifled a yawn as she made her way to the coffee shop. She'd been working since yesterday night, trying to cope with the shortage of workers while keeping the customers happy. She'd come home late last night tired and awakened to a splitting headache and total exhaustion. _At the rate I'm working I'm going to burn out sooner or later,_ she thought with a sigh. Still, it was her turn for the afternoon shift and she wanted to set a good example for her employees...

As she was stepping into the café, one of her most devoted waitresses suddenly ran up to her with a troubled look. "Miss Haww, we're in **big** trouble!"

Milly's eyebrows furrowed. "What kind of trouble?"

"Many of the waitresses and cooks quit working today. And they said they're not coming back until the boss increases their earnings or they're threatening to work for that new coffee shop across the street! They're also forming a mob in front of the café demanding higher wages. Oh, what are we going to do?"

The auburn-haired girl looked shocked. "WHAT? But today's Saturday! We have the most customers on Saturdays! It's the busiest time of the week!"

"I know," the waitress nodded sadly, "but they refuse to go to work. And I can't talk them into changing their minds, so we're short of about ten workers and the head chef is leading them. I'm so sorry, Miss Haww."

"It's not your fault. I know you tried your best," Milly comforted the girl. "Don't worry. We'll figure something out. Maybe we can recruit a few temporary workers..."

"I'll make the flyers right away!" The waitress raced into the restaurant, leaving Milly to contemplate on the new problem at hand. She frowned, trying to think of how best to solve the on-strike employee problem. It was fairly easy to find a temporary worker, but a head chef was another matter. Perhaps she should have a talk with Mr. Haww later and---

"Milly, did anyone ever tell you that you look remarkably unattractive with an upside-down smile?"

Her back stiffened and all her problems faded into nonexistence at the sound of that infuriating voice from behind her. With a chilling glare that could rival even the temperature of the South Pole, Milly folded her arms over her chest and scowled at the newcomer. "Hello, Elthman. You're a parasite for sore eyes. Have you come back to try and bring _more_ sunshine and joy with your impotent existence?"

The cretinous simpleton who was living proof that evolution CAN go in reverse grinned. "At the moment, no. I'm just here for my lunch. I'm a loyal customer of your café, after all."

"Well, I'm afraid I don't serve food to homicidal killers who try to _murder_ me."

Dearka flinched, recalling yesterday's fiasco with the flowers. "That was an honest mistake, Milly. I had no idea you were suffering from allergic rhinitis. I had no intention of trying to kill you."

She scoffed in disbelief. "Hah! Feed those lies to my lawyer. You're just lucky I'm currently too busy to take legal action against you."

"Too busy? Doing what?"

She sighed, exasperated. "If I throw you a stick, will you leave?"

"You're not getting rid of me that easily. So what's bothering you?"

She grounded her teeth together and hissed, "I'll tell you what's bothering me---your face, your neck, your hands, your limbs, and, to save myself the trouble of mentioning the points in detail, EVERYTHING about you bothers me! **SO** **GET LOST**!"

"Milly, stop being so stubborn..."

"Why don't you head on over to the coffin maker's shop across the street? I hear he just invented a new coffin just for you that goes over the head. It's for people who are dead from the neck up!"

"MISS HAWW!"

Before Dearka could further aggravate the auburn-haired girl, the waitress earlier had returned carrying an armful of colorful leaflets. "Miss Haww, the flyers are done. So when do we begin our search for more waitresses and cooks?" she asked.

Dearka took one of the flyers and stared at it. "You have a staff shortage?"

"So what's it to you?" Milly snatched the flyer from his hand.

"Well, perhaps I can provide you with help."

"Don't worry. If I need help, I'll get it from people who aren't walking experiments in Artificial Stupidity." She cocked her head and tapped her chin. "On second thought, you're right. Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence."

He shook a finger and tsk-tsked. "Milly, you need my help and you know it. Where are you going to find employees willing to work for you at such short notice?"

She scowled, hating to admit that he was right. But she wasn't THAT desperate...was she?

The mob in front of the café burst into a noisy uproar as the head chef raised a fist. "WHAT DO WE WANT?"

"HIGHER SALARY!" yelled the crowd of ex-employees.

"WHEN DO WE WANT IT?"

"NOW!"

For the sake of her father and for the coffee shop, Milly swallowed down her pride and turned to the blond. "Fine, you can help me. But where can you find a head chef in less than thirty minutes?"

"Don't worry," Dearka smirked. "Just leave it to me..."

…………………………………………….

Wide-eyed, Athrun gazed up at the McDonald's building in front of him. The full-size model of a funny clown with bright red hair, thick make-up and gigantic shoes clutching a huge signpost stood two feet away from him. Crowds milled around them, mostly made up of parents and children.

"So...this is a McDougal?"

"McDonald's! It's a **McDonalds**!" Cagalli sighed, rolled her eyes and then pointed at the huge signboard the inert clown was holding up. Athrun scratched the back of his head sheepishly, feeling incredibly stupid. "I'm sorry, I didn't read the sign," he said.

"Well, don't just stand there like a half-wit with your mouth agape. It's time to eat! I'm starving!" She grabbed his hand and dragged him into the building.

A perky-looking girl stood at the counter with a big smile. "Welcome to McDonalds. What can I get you?"

Cagalli read the menu on the counter and ordered, "I'd like two extra large French fries, plenty of salt. Two chicken drumsticks and two wings and, err, a coca-cola please."

Athrun's eyes rounded. His arteries were clogging just listening to her rattle off her list of cholesterol-loaded food choice. He quickly grabbed the menu from her and studied it. "Don't they have ANYTHING that doesn't involve dead animals?"

Cagalli blinked. "Huh?"

He waved the menu in her face. "Chickens, hamburgers, beef steaks...How could you eat them? They're all made from animal flesh!"

"Zala, don't tell me you're a vegetarian."

His face reddened. "So what if I am? Do you know how much calories animal meat possess? And remember, animals have lives like humans too. They don't deserve to be slaughtered to fill an empty stomach when we can always resort to vegetables!"

She stared at him incredulously. "Human beings didn't fight their way to the top of the food chain just to become a vegetarian. Besides, if we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made of meat?"

He opened his mouth but found he couldn't argue with her logic. Still, he crossed his arms stubbornly.

Cagalli sighed. "Fine, order a salad for yourself."

A few minutes later, Athrun carried a tray laden with death-by-cholesterol to their table. His lips twisted in disgust as he set it down in front of her. "Here's your dead chicken, French fries cooked in goo, and coca cola, which can also take varnish off floors." The look on his face clearly said he expected the spirit of the chicken to appear at any second and cluck accusingly in Cagalli's face.

The blond refused to be intimidated and bit off a huge chunk of her chicken wing. "So what if I die early from cholesterol overload? At least I'll die happy! You've probably never eaten junk food in your life!"

Athrun refused to be intimidated either and ate his salad. "Well, at least my lifespan will last for a few extra years and my health would be assured!"

"Lighten up, Zala. I never knew you were such a health nut. It's not as if I'm forcing you to eat meat. But you should really try the French fries. You'll regret it for your whole lifetime if you don't try it. And don't worry, it's made of potatoes, which are a type of vegetable I think."

He stared at the French fries doubtfully. Well, if it was vegetables...

"Don't be shy. Go ahead and dig in." Cagalli pushed the plate closer to him.

Hesitantly, he picked up a piece of French fry, dipped it into tomato sauce and popped it into his mouth. After slowly chewing it, his green eyes lit up and he grabbed another French fry. "That tasted delicious! Where have these French fries been all my life?"

He continued munching on more of the French fries until he felt her drilling holes into his head. Athrun looked up and raised his eyebrows. Cagalli was staring at him with the weirdest expression on her face. "What's wrong? Do I have something on my face?"

"No, no. It's just...you look so cute when you chew." As soon as the words escaped her, she mentally slapped her forehead.

"Huh?"

"I said, these French fries taste good, don't they?" Cagalli gave him a huge plastic smile and quickly devoured more French fries, leaving a trail of tomato sauce all over her mouth. _Please just ignore my comment,_ she inwardly pleaded.

He did, but only because of the intrusion from an unexpected visitor...

"Cagalli!"

"Eh?" The blond looked up, startled. A young man with dark brown hair was waving his hand as he hurried over to their table. Her amber eyes widened in recognition. "Ahmed, is that you?"

"In the flesh," he replied, totally ignoring Athrun's existence. "It's been so long. How have you been?"

"Oh, I'm fine. So you're working in McDonald's now?" She pointed to the McDonald's uniform he was wearing.

"Oh yes. It's a part-time job while I study for my course in engineering. What about you?"

"Oh, the usual..."

Bla-bla-bla, bla-bla-bla...

The chairman lifted up a finger and opened his mouth to introduce himself but both of them ignored him. It was like they had entered a universe of their own and he was an outsider from Planet Invisible. Athrun sighed and regarded the uncomplaining, untalkative French fries. "Tell me, am I so forgettable? They barely even notice I'm alive!"

The French fries wisely refrained from comment.

…………………………………………….

Yzak was busy typing on the computer when he heard the door swinging open. Without Dearka even opening his big mouth and inserting his foot, the Joule could already sense whose aggravating presence it was. "Why are you here, Elthman? Didn't I already curse you to hell?"

The tanned blond looked puzzled. "Since when did you curse me to hell?"

"Five seconds ago when you opened my office door."

Dearka put on a pitiful expression on his face. "Yzak, I need your help..."

Yzak's spine instantly stiffened. There it was again, the famous five words that always spelled déja bull: the feeling that he'd heard this bull before.

"Oh no. I refuse to star in another one of your psychodramas. Whatever it is, my answer is no!"

"But it's just a teensy weensy little favor---"

"No."

"---and all you have to do is---"

"No."

"Can't you wait until I finish my sentence?"

Yzak's undivided attention was still super-glued to the computer screen when he replied flatly, "Even if you complete your long-winded request for help, you'd still be wasting your breath because my reply will still be 'no'. If that mountain pile of paperwork and my current typing status doesn't tell, I'm too busy working and I don't have time to solve whatever mess you've created. So what's the point?"

"Well, I still want you to hear me out," said Dearka, stubbornly. "See, Milly's employees are revolting against her father, and as a result, her café is suffering from a shortage of workers. So I offered to help and to find for other volunteers. And when I tried to think of someone who could cook and clean, I immediately thought..."

"You immediately thought: _Hey, wouldn't it be fun if I made Yzak's life more miserable by forcing him into degradation and working as an employee of a coffee shop?_" The silver-haired man rolled his eyes. "Well, if you actually believed I would say yes, then either the mental hospital tested too many drugs on you today or you ate a brain tumor for breakfast. Take your pick."

"But---"

"No."

"But I really---"

"No."

"If you'll only listen to---"

"No."

"Yzak, PLEASE! You're one of the best chefs cum housekeeper I know! You clean up after yourself, for God's sake!"

Yzak stopped typing and gave the blond a glare of death. "I suggest you look up page 496 on the Oxford Dictionary of Basic English for Idiots. Then MAYBE, just MAYBE, a person with your room temperature I.Q. will understand what 'no' means."

"Yzak..."

"**No**."

Dearka threw up his hands in frustration. "Can't you say ANYTHING but no?"

"Hmm, let me think about it..._No_."

"But it'll only take a few hours of your time..."

"Well, this is a big old fat **NO**!"

…………………………………………….

"...Remind me again why I'm doing this."

Yzak Joule crossed his arms over his chest, a huge tic throbbing on his forehead. He was dressed in his usual immaculate business suit, only this time with a flowery pink apron tied around his waist and a white scarf over his head. Suffice to say, he had never felt more ridiculous in his life!

Dearka, the brains behind the silver-headed man's latest humiliating episode, waved his hand airily. "Okay, I'll remind you. You're doing this for your good friend (a.k.a. me) and for all those poor, unfortunate souls who don't have the time to cook their own meals."

The Joule scoffed. "You mean, I'm doing this for the sake of those pathetic fools who are either too lazy to cook themselves or possess zero culinary skills."

"Don't think so negatively, Yzak! Think of it instead as a service to the general community. Besides, the apron looks quite flattering on you."

Yzak's face darkened. "I've got only one nerve left, and you're getting on it."

While the silver-haired man glared rat poison and toxic fumes at the calmly smiling blond, Milly was watching them interacting with a sweat drop. _With friends like these who needs enemies?_

"Umm, so your name is Yzak Joule?" she asked.

"That's right. And you must be Miriallia Haww, the latest victim of Dearka's unfortunate attentions." Yzak eyed with interest the auburn-haired girl who was responsible for making his friend lose what was left of his brains and go gaga over her for a whole month.

"Well, thank you for lending us a hand," Milly said with a smile. "We need all the help we can get...even if the helper **IS **an intellectually challenged moron." She slanted a glare of doom in Dearka's direction.

Dearka looked hurt. "I feel so unloved..."

Yzak's lips curled wryly. "He's not a moron. He's just among the world's best chef on culinary catastrophe and producing offensively putrid food."

"HEY! Of course I can cook!" Dearka crossed his arms and glared at his so-called 'friend'.

"So you can cook, huh?" Milly raised an eyebrow skeptically. "Somehow I don't believe you. Why don't you prove it and cook me an omelet?"

"No problem. You'll have it before you can even say 'omelet'."

Dearka remembered from some TV show that chefs always used some kind of instrument to begin cooking. He looked around and pointed to the odd-looking cooking utensil hanging on a hook. "Yzak, can you hand me that, uh, that...uh, thingamabob?"

Yzak's eye twitched. "It's a spatula."

"Oh, right. Hand me the spatula."

It was with great reluctance that Yzak placed the spatula (and probably the fate of the entire kitchen) into Dearka's doubtful hands. Then the blond proceeded to grab two eggs and used the spatula to smash them.

Milly narrowed her eyes. "Elthman, do you even know what you're doing?"

"Of course I know what I'm doing..."

Half an hour later, Dearka was mixing some kind of green gooey mixture into the pot, together with the egg shells floating on top and some kind of dog-food looking _thing_ on the side. The fire was too high and the brewing pot threatened to blow up any minute now.

Milly twitched. It looked as if it was some kind of poisonous pig-feed from a culinary nightmare!

His mind already visualizing the disaster rapidly looming over them, Yzak held out his hand warily. "Dearka, give me the spatula before you hurt yourself."

Dearka waved his hand airily. "Relax. Everything is under cont---"

**BOOM!**

The pot finally exploded and a thick cloud of acrid smoke filled the air. The three of them coughed and pinched their noses to ward off the stench. Through the haze, Miriallia managed to grab the fire extinguisher and doused the fire. When the smoke finally cleared, three black-stained faces blinked, and then the other two hurled lethal glares at the sweatdropping blond.

Dearka laughed sheepishly. "Err...Oops?"

The Joule twitched. For the sake of his physical wellbeing as well as to prevent the customers from dying agonizing deaths courtesy of the blonde's questionable cooking skills, Yzak snatched the spatula from his hand and fought **very**, **very** hard against the overwhelming urge to bash Dearka's skull with it.

Yzak gritted his teeth instead. "Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them. And you, Elthman, are No. 1 on the Most Wanted list. From now on, stay out of the kitchen or I won't be held responsible for the obituary you'll have tomorrow..."

…………………………………………….

Athrun drummed his fingers on the table with an irritated expression on his face. For a whole hour, he'd been looking from Cagalli to glaring at Ahmed and then back again like he was watching a ping-pong match. And for a whole hour, he'd been ignored like the French fries he'd set aside.

"...You've changed a lot since high school."

"I have?"

Athrun narrowed his eyes. For some strange reason, he didn't like that look of tenderness in Ahmed's eyes and he didn't like how close Ahmed was to Cagalli and he didn't like...

Actually, the chairman didn't like ANYTHING about Ahmed.

"Yeah," Ahmed was saying, "you've grown up. You look prettier and---"

As soon as he heard _the other man_ compliment Cagalli, something inside Athrun completely **snapped**.

"My name is Athrun Zala, Cagalli's _fiancé_," he butted into the conversation and smiled---or more like, snarled as he placed his arm possessively around her shoulders. "Isn't that right, Cagalli?"

She stared at him strangely. "Err...right. Ahmed, this is my _fiancé, _Athrun."

The chairman continued to smile, but the look on his face clearly said: BUZZ OFF, BUSTER. SHE'S MINE!

Ahmed's face fell. "What? That's news. Well, I guess congratulations are in order. You are one lucky man, Zala."

"I know." _And I'll feel even luckier if you'd leave us alone._

Unfortunately, the persistent man decided to stick around. "Hey, Cagalli, I'm free this afternoon. If you have time, maybe we can catch up on old times and---"

"Oh, look at the time! We have to leave now. See you later, err, _Ahmed_!" Athrun grabbed Cagalli's arm and hauled the dumbfounded girl out of McDonald's. When they walked through the entrance, Cagalli shook off his hand and glared at him. "Athrun Zala, why the heck did you do that? You were rude and obnoxious to Ahmed!"

Athrun rolled his eyes. "He deserves it! He was flirting with you like I wasn't even there!"

"_Flirting_ with me?" she choked. "Your overactive imagination astounds me! He was just being friendly since we haven't seen each other since high school!"

"You call wanting to ask you out on a date 'just being friendly'?" Athrun looked incredulous. "You're either blind or ignorant. As your boss, I forbid you to have any contact with this fellow."

"**YOU** forbid **ME**?" Cagalli was beyond outraged. She placed one hand on her waist and pointed a finger to his chest. "Listen, Mr. I-am-your-boss-so-you-have-to-do-whatever-I-say, you have no right to forbid me to do anything. So what if I want to see him? Ahmed is my friend."

"_Friend?_" he snorted. "You two sure don't **ACT** like friends..."

She threw up her hands. "Ugh! You're acting like a...a...I don't know, like some kind of jealous boyfriend!"

"Of course not! I just..." He paused, realizing there was a crumb of truth in what she was saying. He WAS acting like some kind of overprotective boyfriend. He couldn't understand why he was acting so irrationally either. Why should HE care if she wanted to date Ahmed? It wasn't as if...

_As if I have feelings for her..._

Athrun sighed. "Look, I just don't want you to blow our cover. As my 'fiancé', it could potentially ruin my reputation if you're seen fraternizing with other males." It was the only logical reason he could think of. Why else would he feel so angry, so...resentful?

She rolled her eyes. "Fine, I won't contact Ahmed. Are you happy now?"

Athrun was almost ashamed to admit he was happy. Almost. Except he had a nasty feeling he would do it again if she had any more so-called 'Boy. Friends.' somewhere out there.

Her voice was still laced with anger when she growled, "Alright, let's put that behind us. We still have a date to finish. Where to next, _Mr. Boss_?"

She crossed her arms and pouted, looking adorably cute and making the tomato sauce leftover on her face more pronounced.

Athrun couldn't take it anymore. Of its own violation, his fingers reached out and gently wiped away the leftover tomato sauce on her mouth. Cagalli's jaw dropped wide open in shock.

"There," he said with a smile. "I've been meaning to do that..."

Her eye twitched. "Good. And I've been meaning to do THIS!"

**PUNCH!**

…………………………………………….

(TBC)


	5. Chapter Five

"Oww. Did you _have_ to punch me so hard?" The chairman of PLANT flinched as he touched his swollen eye.

"Quit your whining! You should be thanking me for giving you such a light punch. Normally a punch from me would have sent you straight for the hospital!" Cagalli snapped. "Besides, this is your entire fault. Didn't your mother ever tell you it's rude to invade other people's personal space?"

Athrun sighed, deciding it would be very unwise to argue with her without receiving another black eye---or **worse**. "Well, looking at the bright side, at least with this eye those fangirls might lose interest in me..."

Cagalli almost snorted. Hah! Fat chance. His black eye did nothing to decrease the level of his gorgeous-o-meter. The proof being the admiring glances thrown at him while they walked past a group of giggling teenage girls. They kept ogling Athrun as if they wanted to eat him alive. And for some strangle, unexplainable reason, Cagalli didn't like it one bit.

Of course, she was not at all jealous. So what if she was struck by a sudden, irrational urge to bash them over the head with a nail-studded baseball bat for staring at HER Athrun? It meant nothing. Absolutely nothing! After all, it would be professional suicide to break the first and most important rule of every 'How not to jeopardize your job' handbook:

_Don't grow feelings for your boss. _

Athrun's voice broke into her musings. "Well, regardless of the condition of my eye, we must still proceed with our date. Please state our next destination."

"Okay, I've thought about it long and hard. But now I've finally decided. Our next destination is..." Imaginary drum rolls sounded in the background as Cagalli raised a fist and announced, "...the supermarket!"

Athrun nearly fell over. "What in blazes---Are you OUT OF YOUR MIND? Whoever heard of dates being conducted in a _supermarket_?"

Cagalli stared at him if his mind had spontaneously combusted. "What the heck are you talking about? A supermarket isn't a dating destination; it's a place to buy one's groceries. Are you sure you weren't born a century late?"

He glowered at her. "Just because I don't know a McDougal's from a McDonald's, doesn't mean I'm _completely _ignorant. I simply meant a supermarket isn't a suitable place for a date!"

"That should be obvious. Our date is temporarily off." Her lips curled sarcastically. "If your reaction to the meat-ridden menu at McDonald's is any indication, can you honestly say it to my face that your fridge isn't stocked with only broccoli, spinach, tofu and other varieties of vegetables I failed to mention?"

"My refrigerator does NOT have tofu," he said defensively. "In fact, I _hate_ tofu."

Cagalli raised an eyebrow. "And the broccoli and spinach...?"

His response was a sheepish grin. _Bingo!_

"Zala, I don't know about you, but I don't intend to live my life off vegetables and health products. As a mammal and a human being, it is my god-given right to eat as much meat and fat as I want to. Why don't you join the rest of mankind and live unhealthily for once in your life?"

Athrun folded his arms over his chest and stood his ground. "No. If you wish to cut down your lifespan because of your lousy eating habits, then fine by me. But I refuse to join in mankind's cholesterol lunacy."

She rolled her eyes. "You're a stubborn man, Zala. But I'm not going to argue. Either way, I still want to restock your meat-free refrigerator with animal protein. But don't worry. I'll pay for my own food."

She wore that now-familiar '_let me have my way OR ELSE_' look. And Athrun knew he was beaten.

As they started their walk to the adjacent supermarket, Cagalli's conscience nagged at her. And you know how annoying a conscience could be. Really, Athrun had no lewd intentions when he'd wiped the tomato sauce off her face. He'd surprised her, that's all. Perhaps she'd been too hard on him...

_I hate guilt. And I hate my conscience._

She sighed.

"Hey, Zala?"

"What is it?"

"Even though you richly deserved that punch I gave you...I'm sorry I smacked you so hard. Next time, I will attempt to make my punches lighter."

Athrun blinked at the unexpected apology, but he smiled nonetheless. "Apology accepted...I think." He continued smiling---until the rest of her words sunk into his brain. "What do you mean NEXT TIME?"

Unbeknownst to the couple, someone was spying on them from behind a nearby lamppost, recording their every move with a videocam...

………………………………………………………….

_Undercover Fiancé Wanted, Desperately _

_Chapter Five_

………………………………………………………….

In the supermarket, Athrun and Cagalli stood facing their latest battle: choosing a cereal box.

The emerald-eyed chairman inspected the shelf full of cereal boxes for a thoughtful moment before grabbing one down. "We'll get this. It has all the essential vitamins and minerals without a lot of sugar. It's healthy and---**WHAT ARE YOU DOING**?"

Cagalli was grabbing another box of cereals down and settling it into their cart. He quickly seized the box from her and made a face when he read the label. "Yuck! You've got to be kidding! Do you have _any_ idea what this is?"

She stared blankly at him. "It's a breakfast cereal."

Athrun glared at her and waved the offending box in her face. "It's not _just_ a breakfast cereal. It's **COCO POPS**! Don't you know this junk is made of pure sugar? It would rot your teeth while you were still chewing on it! Do you want to have all your teeth pulled out by the time you're thirty?"

The blond rolled her eyes. "Don't be ridiculous, Athrun Zala. Didn't you read the contents? It's chock-full of calcium. It's perfectly healthy for human consumption."

"That's what the manufacturers **WANT** you to think!" he argued heatedly. "But you can't believe everything they say! What if they told you that Santa Clause lives on Mars and not the South Pole, would you believe them? Of course not! According to Reader's Digest, Coco Pops is high in sugar and low in fiber. In short, it's a death trap _waiting_ to happen!"

Cagalli snorted and snatched the cereal box back from him. "First of all, Santa Clause lives on the NORTH Pole, not the South Pole. Secondly, you're exaggerating. And thirdly, I refuse to eat something just because it's good for me. I like to live life dangerously."

Athrun rolled his eyes heavenward. Sandwiched between crazy fan girls stalking his every move and a violent tomboy with homicidal tendencies was living life dangerously enough for him, thank you very much.

They stopped again at the dairy section. Glancing down the row of milk cartons, Athrun carefully examined each label, and then set a plastic container of skim milk in the cart.

Her eyes narrowed suspiciously. "Okay, Zala. Which one is the complete opposite of the one you've chosen?"

"What do you mean?" he asked without taking his eyes off the yogurt labels.

"You've probably chosen the healthiest one, so I want the one that tastes the best."

He abandoned his search for the least health-hazardous yogurt containers to throw Cagalli a frustrated glance. "This skim milk is nonfat and protein fortified with added vitamin A and D. It also includes---"

"Ugh! PLEASE don't give me a boring sermon on nutrition facts! Either way, that stuff looks more water than milk. I prefer milk rich with cream and actually TASTE like milk, NOT filled with vitamin A or whatever dietetic values you're so obsessed about." She picked out a carton of whole milk and dumped it on the opposite side of the cart from the healthy things Athrun had chosen.

He gaped at her. "Do you have a death wish?"

"Better to die young knowing how good food tastes like, than to live long eating yucky food," she retorted.

He glared at her.

She glared back.

It was an epic clash between Vegetarian versus Carnivore, and neither was willing to give up the glaring contest without a fight.

"CAGALLI!"

Well...unless it was interrupted by an uninvited guest.

Reluctantly, the blond tore her gaze away from Athrun's and caught sight of a horrendously familiar-looking person striding towards them. It was a tall, lanky male with lavender eyes and dark brown hair...

_Oh God, no!_

Cagalli's mouth fell open. "Kira?"

…………………………………………….

"Oh, he's so cute," gushed a brunette to her friend. "I wonder if he's single..."

The object of their attention was a blond waiter carrying a tray of drinks over to their table. Dearka Elthman overheard their conversation and flashed them a charming grin.

The air-headed bimbos giggled in response.

Since Dearka was hopelessly useless when it came to cooking, Milly had given him the task of serving food for the customers. "It's something so simple, even YOU can't screw it up," she had muttered. Yzak, on the other hand, was amazingly gifted with the culinary utensils (as well as attracting unwanted female attention, much to his dismay) and was appointed head chef. From the moment the public realized there were two new talented additions to the staff of Milly's café, the customers had tripled (although Milly had a niggling suspicion it was mostly because her two new staffs happened to be yummyliciously drop-dead gorgeous).

Miriallia was happy with the arrangement. She was happy with her growing customers. What she did NOT feel happy about was the attention Dearka was getting.

"Hey, gorgeous, are you taken?" The brunette winked her eye at Dearka.

The auburn-haired girl stood at the open doorway of the kitchen, shooting a glare of doom in their direction. How DARE he flirt with the customers when he should be serving them instead!

An impish little voice inside her head laughed and tsk-tsked.

_**-Why should you feel angry, Milly? Aren't you supposed to be overjoyed that he's finally showering his annoying attention on women other than yourself?**_

_**-**Because he has a job to do, that's why! And that job does NOT include playing Romeo with every Juliet he sees! _

_**-Of course. But you have to admit, he isn't the one doing the flirting...**_

_**-**Humph! That hideous, despicable cad could flirt with every female he meets for all I care. _

_**-What a hypocrite. One minute you disapprove of his flirting, then the next you WANT him to act like a Casanova. Make up your mind, will you?**_

_**-**I am NOT a hypocrite! _

_**-Fine, you're not a hypocrite---you're a compulsive liar. By the way, unless you need to see the optician for a pair of glasses, Elthman isn't hideous. In fact, doesn't he fit the description of tall, dark and handsome down pat?**_

_**-**He's dark and handsome all right. He's only handsome when it's dark._

_**-So you don't like him even a little?**_

_**-**Of course I like him...as target practice, that is._

_**-Ah...so you don't feel at all jealous of those bimbos flirting with him?**_

If her inner voice had a human body, Milly would have cheerfully throttled its neck. Of course she wasn't jealous! If she was, it would equal romantic feelings...which was IMPOSSIBLE because the only feelings she had for Dearka Elthman were hate, irritation and disgust---all in that order.

_**-Well, if that's what you want to think...**_

Gritting her teeth, Milly grabbed a mop from the nearby closet and mopped the floor with more force than necessary.

Dearka was picking up the serving tray and walking into the kitchen when he spotted Milly. Since business was slowing for the afternoon, he decided now was the perfect time to execute Plant B of Operation Charm Milly.

Yzak, who was making coffee at the counter, rolled his eyes when his blond-haired friend headed straight for Miriallia to fulfill his long-awaited death wish. _Oh well,_ the Joule smirked and propped his chin on his hand, _might as well sit back and enjoy the show._

"Milly, how are you?"

The auburn-haired girl looked up from her mopping and glared at Dearka. "I suggest you stand ten feet further away from me, Elthman. I hear stupidity is sometimes a contagious disease."

He frowned. "But stupidity isn't a disease."

"You're right. It's a deadly sin. And you've committed it too many times to count."

Dearka shook his head sadly. "All I wanted to do was make you accept me as I am..."

"Do you want me to accept you as you are, or do you want me to like you?" she snarled.

"I don't believe in being artificial."

"Of course. You want people to hate you for yourself."

"Milly, that hurt me right here." He pressed a hand to his heart dramatically.

"Why don't you go and squirt lemon juice in your eyes? It's probably the only way you can make yourself smart."

The blond sighed. "Give me a little credit. I **do** have some intelligence."

"I knew it! You're not as stupid as you look. Nobody could be!"

He shrugged offhandedly. "I'll take that as a compliment."

Gah! What would it take for that blasted man to leave her alone! A whack over the head with her mop? She gritted her teeth. "Elthman, if you were any denser, I swear you would photosynthesis in the sunlight!"

"Unfortunately, I don't think I have that ability."

"Please don't _think_. It may sprain your brain." Her mouth twisted in mock sympathy. "Then again, I don't think you even **have** a brain in the first place."

"A human being cannot survive without a brain, Milly."

She smiled oh-so-sweetly. "That's right. So you must be from some outside species. Tell me, as an outsider, what do you think of the human race?"

He raised an eyebrow. "Are you implying that I am an alien?"

"Elthman, if you donated your brain to science it'd set civilization back 50 years." With a roll of her eyes, Milly handed the mop to Dearka. "In case your ignorant mind doesn't know, this is a cleaning device known as a **MOP**. Rather than wasting your time babbling, why don't you make yourself useful and mop the kitchen floor?"

Dearka blinked. "Err...but I---"

"And I expect everything to be done by the time I come back from my shift." With that, Milly brushed past him to resume her role as waitress.

Yzak tapped his fingers on the counter with a wry expression. "With a performance like that, I can now understand why she's been treating you like garbage all these weeks."

"Oh, I can tell that she wants me."

Yzak scoffed. "She wants you all right---dead and buried."

Dearka waved his hand dismissively. "Don't be silly. She's just playing hard to get."

"I see you're still suffering from a state of disillusionment and denial." The silver-haired man rolled his eyes and poured himself a cup of coffee. "You're the perfect example of why man-haters exist in this world."

"HEY! That's highly insulting! I'm a rare specimen of the perfect gentleman." Dearka crossed his arms indignantly. "Men like me don't grow on trees, you know."

"How true, they normally swing under them." Yzak drank his coffee placidly and ducked when a tablecloth was thrown at his face.

…………………………………………….

_Kira, what the heck are YOU doing here?_

Cagalli heard alarm bells ringing in her head as her brother began to descend upon them like a predator that had just spotted its prey. In this instance: Athrun Zala. Oh God, this was a disaster she'd never even thought of! It could potentially ruin everything she'd worked so hard to achieve!

Athrun frowned. "Kira? Who's Kira?"

"I am." The violet-eyed brunette stopped in front of them. He smiled openly when he greeted the blond but kept a careful eye on Athrun. "Hi, Cagalli. Long time no see. Who's this guy?"

Cagalli mentally groaned and smacked her forehead. Trust her bother to kick right into protective mode when another male was within two feet of her. She plastered a fake smile on her face and gestured to her employer. "Err...His name is Athrun Zala. Athrun, this is Kira Yamato."

"I see. Nice to meet you. Now why are you standing so closely to my sis---**Ouch**!" Kira yelped when Cagalli elbowed him painfully in the ribs. "Hey, why did you do that for?"

The blond smiled through gritted teeth. "Kira, it's great to see you too. How's your sister?"

"Eh?" Kira blinked in confusion. "Cagalli, what are you talking about? Aren't you my sis---**Ouch**!" He cried out again and jumped up and down when his sister stamped on his foot, HARD.

"Yes, how's your sister? I mean, your sister IS a good friend of mine." The blond gazed at him meaningfully. Hopefully her brother would get the message before she was forced to stomp on his other foot.

Luckily for Kira's foot, he finally caught the hint and cleared his throat. "Oh yeah, it's been a while since I last saw you, Cagalli. I mean, you ARE my sister's best friend after all." He forced a laugh but the look on his face said '_Cagalli, you have a LOT of explaining to do!'_

Athrun looked from Kira to Cagalli, and then narrowed his eyes suspiciously. "Cagalli, is this another one of your '_boyfriends_'? Why are you on first name basis?" he demanded.

She gave him an exasperated look. "You call **ME** by my first name."

That's it. It was time to assert his higher authority here. "Of course I can call you by your first name. I'M YOUR BOSS! And as your boss, I demand to know what this man means to you. Is he your friend or not?"

"No---I mean, YES! He IS a friend of mine!" The tomboyish blond nodded her head vigorously with every word she said. "As Kira mentioned, his sister is my friend but it's been **so** long since I've talked to them. Zala, would you mind if I have a minute to catch up with old times with my bro---I mean, friend Kira?"

The chairman wore his _you have got to be kidding _expression. "Would I _mind_? Of course I'd mind! Err...I mean, it's okay. I don't mind at all." His 'higher authority' was instantly flattened in the face of Cagalli's bulldozing glare.

"Well then, I'll be back in a minute," she said.

Athrun opened his mouth to voice his protest. "But what about our date---"

"Oh, I knew you'd understand."

"But I---"

"Just wait here."

"But I---"

"I'll see you later."

"But I---"

"Bye, Zala!"

Cagalli dragged the bewildered Kira along with her, leaving behind the chairman with his mouth hanging open in mid-protest.

Athrun's eye twitched. "What just happened...?"

…………………………………………….

_Phew! It's FINALLY time for my break._

Miriallia sighed as passed the tray to the next waitress. She was in desperate need of a cup of java. She picked up a conveniently placed cup from the counter and filled it with energy-inducing coffee from the percolator. _I'd better check up on Elthman now. Who knows what kind of horrible calamity befell the kitchen while he's there? _

Milly walked over to the kitchen and sipped her coffee...

...Then spat it out when she saw the scene displayed before her eyes.

"**WHAT IN BLAZES DID YOU DO TO THE KITCHEN**?"

The culprit stood with a guilty smile on his face, the mop in his hand was practically _hairless _and the floor was _overly_ wet as if he'd dumped all the water from the bucket to the floor! And was she seeing things, or did the water splash on all the counters and shelves as well?

"Explain. NOW," she gritted.

"That's what I've been trying to tell you," Dearka replied sheepishly. "I'm sorry but I've never cleaned a floor with this---" He paused, forgetting what the stick in his hand was called "---this thingamajig in my entire life."

A vein throbbed in her temples. "It's a **mop**."

"Right, I've never used a '_mop_' in my entire life...But hey, at least I tried my best," he added brightly.

There was a short silence, in which Miriallia carefully placed her coffee cup on the counter and breathed in very deeply. _Stay calm, Milly. Think happy thoughts. Think of spring, butterflies, kittens, rainbows, KILLING DEARKA, STRANGLING DEARKA, STOMPING ON DEARKA'S DEAD BODY..._

_Oh, forget it._ With a bloodthirsty gleam in her eyes, the auburn-haired girl snatched the mop from his hand and advanced like a seething bull.

Dearka sweatdropped and backed off slowly. "Umm, Milly, what do you think you're doing?" he chuckled nervously.

Her dark face loomed menacingly over his. "Something I should have done a **LONG **time ago..."

…………………………………………….

Thirty minutes. He'd waited thirty minutes and STILL Cagalli hadn't emerged.

For a whole half hour, Athrun had continuously paced the floor impatiently while glancing at his wristwatch every few seconds. Even if the floor beneath him cracked open with all his pacing, he still wouldn't have noticed. All he could think about was: _Why isn't Cagalli here yet? What's keeping her so long?_

The saner, more rational part of him accused him of being a paranoid worrywart. Cagalli could handle herself perfectly well. Anyhow, who was the one hired to play undercover bodyguard fiancé? Not him! So why in blazes was HE the one acting like a...

_...Like a possessive fiancé?_

That question had him stumped. He sighed, wondering if slamming his head against the wall would solve the problem. _Gah! Truly, that woman is designed to drive me nuts!_

Next to the supermarket was a small florist stall. All the flowers were attractive, but for some reason, only one particular bouquet caught his attention. It was composed of an assorted spray of brightly-colored flowers in an elaborate bouquet. When he wasn't worrying about Cagalli and god-knows-what happened to her, Athrun would unknowingly stare at those flowers.

An elderly woman, obviously the florist, noticed his staring and bounded over. "Hello, sir. Do you like that bouquet?"

He blinked. "Huh? Oh yes. I'd like to buy it please."

"So who's this special someone you want to surprise it with?" she asked as she gave him the bouquet.

Athrun couldn't control the silly smile that spread across his face as he recalled the image of an adorably pouting Cagalli back at McDonald's. "Just a girl..."

"Girlfriend, huh? That is one lucky girl." The florist sighed wistfully, wishing she was twenty years younger and single so that she could lasso this handsome man for herself. "You know, you look mighty familiar...almost as sexy as that gorgeous hunk on Playboy's cover."

"Oh, she's not my girl---" Athrun's jaw dropped wide open "---I'M ON THE COVER OF PLAYBOY?"

The florist blinked. "Well, he looks like you. See that bookstore over there. They're selling the latest Playboy magazines...and you're all over their cover."

He gulped, summoned all his guts, and turned to glance at the bookstore. True enough, his nude picture was splashed all over the covers of the popular porno magazine.

Athrun was beyond mortified. By now, his reputation was probably stomped all over, tossed in the incinerator, shredded through the paper machine into itty bitty pieces and dragged through cow manure! He groaned and covered his face with his hands. Could things get ANY worse...?

"**ATHRUN, ATHRUN, ATHRUN**!"

Yes, it can.

"**ATHRUN DARLING, WHERE ARE YOU**?"

_Oh God. How'd those fangirls follow me here? I felt sure they couldn't track me down..._

Athrun's self-preservation instincts promptly kicked into gear. He grabbed the flowers from the florist and proceeded to run like his legs were on fire for the nearest exit.

Exactly .56 seconds later, he came back to the startled florist, handed her money for the flowers, and said a polite "Thank you", before running off again.

The florist blinked and then smiled. "What a courteous young man. You don't see that everyday." She seemed completely oblivious to the fact that a herd of screeching fangirls was running past her flower stall after the chairman.

Yep. You don't see that everyday.

…………………………………………….

In a corner of the now passably dry kitchen, Dearka winced as he touched the bandage around his head. "Ugh. I think I need some aspirin later. My head still feels like it's ringing..."

Yzak rolled his eyes. "Why do you persist in this self-destructive behavior? If you really want to die so badly, I can easily arrange it with the undertaker and save us all the grief of waiting."

"And I suppose you'll be the first to be there for my funeral?" asked the blond irritably.

"When you die, I'd like to go to your funeral, but I'll probably have to go to work that day. I believe in business before pleasure."

Dearka sighed and rubbed his aching temples. "Fine, you win. I'm not in the mood to be picked to pieces. Since you're on a break, can you cook something for lunch? I'm famished."

"Why don't you ring a bell for maid service? If there's no answer, then starve," Yzak deadpanned.

The tanned blond sighed dramatically. "Or I suppose _I_ can cook..."

A mental picture of a nuclear explosion rocking the atmosphere popped up in his mind, and the Joule decided he didn't relish the idea of being blasted to smithereens because of an incompetent idiot and his hazardous cooking skills. So with a toxic glare cast in the smirking blonde's direction, Yzak reluctantly snatched the spatula off the hook and started cooking.

Dearka was silent for a moment as he watched the silver-haired man cook an omelet. And then he asked, "Hey, Yzak. People with allergic rhinitis...they're too sensitive to smell flowers, right?"

The silver-haired man snorted. "Isn't that what being allergic to flowers is all about?"

"Well, does that mean they'll never be able to get close enough to see a real flower?"

"Not unless they plan to commit suicide using their allergies as a handy excuse when the Grim Reaper comes to drag their souls to hell for going against the Ten Commandments," was the wry reply.

Dearka frowned. "So they can't?"

Yzak gave a long-suffering sigh and glanced irritably at the blond. "Elthman, if you were any slower, you'd be in reverse. _Of course they can't!_ Would an allergic person be affected by a FAKE flower?"

"Hmm. I guess you're right. I'll just have to..." Dearka stopped talking when he smelled an odd aroma in the air. "Hey...something's burning."

His warning came too late. The silver-haired chef cursed a foul four-letter expletive as he tried to rescue the overcooked omelet.

Dearka couldn't help it. He laughed. "I can't believe it! This is the first time you've ever ruined your cooking."

"Ha, ha, ha, that's very funny---almost as funny as me not making you another omelet." With a vengeful smirk, Yzak carried over the burnt egg to the table and dumped it on Dearka's plate.

Dearka made a look of disgust and opened his mouth to complain...then his attention was sidetracked when he saw a customer bumping into Miriallia. The waitress who was carrying a tray laden with food almost fell over but the wavy-haired man quickly reached out to steady her.

"Miss, are you alright?" he asked worriedly.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't watch where I was going and---" Milly's face turned bright pink when she saw who it was. "T-Tolle Koenig?"

Tolle looked startled. "You know my name?"

_Know your name? Heck, I know EVERYTHING about you. I ALWAYS see you coming here to drink coffee in the morning. You're my first crush! _But Milly's vocal cords had suddenly short-circuited in the face of the Prince Charming of her dreams. All she could stammer was a shy, "Oh, err, yes. Thanks for saving me."

From the sidelines, Dearka and Yzak watched in dumbfounded disbelief her miraculous transformation from a no-nonsense businesswoman into a blushing schoolgirl in Tolle's mere presence. "Did you just see what I just see?" Dearka sputtered incredulously.

His companion arched an elegant eyebrow. "If you mean, have I just witnessed the sadistic girl who's been verbally abusing you all day suddenly become a mush of putty in another man's hands, then yes, I suppose I did."

The tanned blond crossed his arms, glaring kitchen knives and daggers at his new rival. "What's so special about HIM? I mean, I'm attractive, intellectually gifted, wealthy, athletic, and talented..."

"You forgot to add humble."

Dearka deliberately ignored the sarcastic remark. "...So what does he have that I don't have? Is there something wrong with me?"

Yzak's lips curled wryly. "Oh, there's nothing wrong with you---nothing that a miracle couldn't fix."

Dearka gave him a very dirt look.

Yzak paused. "On second thought, a miracle wouldn't be enough to help you. Perhaps no one would ever notice your brain-dead condition if you try imitating humans by practicing random acts of intelligence and senseless acts of self-control..."

This time, the tablecloth didn't miss.

…………………………………………….

"HE'S YOUR **WHAT**?"

Cagalli wasn't fast enough in covering her ears when Kira let out a yell that exploded her eardrums. She knew he wouldn't exactly be _thrilled_ over the news, but he didn't need to sound so mad! She fought to keep her own temper in check as she addressed her huffy brother. "Oh relax, Kira. You're acting as if the apocalypse is descending upon us---and that won't happen for at least another century."

"Relax?" Kira, usually the calm and sensible twin, was seeing red all over. "Not only did I find out that you are engaged, but you also stayed overnight in **HIS HOUSE**! What if he compromises you or something?"

Cagalli's lips twitched in amusement. "Actually, it should be the other way around. **I'm **the one doing the compromising. As his undercover bodyguard, I'm _theoretically_ supposed to scare off his groupies by posing as his fiancé."

"I get the bodyguard part---but as his **fiancé**?"

"Kira, I'm beginning to think '_fiancé_' is your favorite phrase," said Cagalli wryly. "Besides, I don't recall needing your say-so to have a fiancé. Especially not a pretend one! And stop overreacting about Zala. He's been a perfect gentleman to me---well, not counting the fact that he kissed me without permission and saw me naked. But otherwise..."

His jaw dropped open. "He KISSED you and saw you NAKED?" No one could ever accuse Kira of being violent. But suddenly he was contemplating the idea of buying a cleaver from the nearest kitchenware store and butchering someone...Or more accurately, butchering a certain green-eyed man for _daring_ to pull perverted moves on his sister.

"Yes, but it's all part of my job. And don't look at me like that! I'm his undercover bodyguard and it's the only way to discourage those neurotic fangirls of his."

Kira took a deep, calming breath and lowered his voice. "Look, I understand you want to impress our father with your capabilities, but I don't think it's worth it. You're the heiress to a multimillion-dollar company and---"

Cagalli quickly clamped a hand over his big mouth. She looked left and right and when she thought it was safe, she hissed, "Are you NUTS? Do you want to blow my cover? Until I complete my job, I'm not your sister or an heiress. I don't want him to know I'm even remotely related to you. Never mention it again or I'll rip your esophagus out. _Is that clear_?" Her voice lowered in that dangerous 'I'll-dump-your-horribly-scarred-corpse-in-a-garbage-disposal-if-you-disagree-with-me' way.

For the sake of preserving his body parts, Kira sweatdropped and nodded.

"**THERE HE IS**! **IT'S OUR BELOVED ATHRUN**!"

"**I LOVE YOU, ATHRUN**!"

The blond stiffened when she heard that too-familiar declaration of love that always spelled 'fangirl trouble'. She looked around from their corner and saw a throng of screaming harpies surrounding Athrun like a pack of starving wolves---with Athrun as chow.

Cagalli's eyes rounded. "ZALA?"

Kira followed her dumbfounded gaze. "THAT'S Athrun Zala's fangirls?" Hmm. Suddenly he was starting to have qualms about surrendering his sister into the questionable hands of a chairman with lust-crazed groupie problems...

"He's in trouble." Cagalli narrowed her eyes. "I'll have to save him."

"No, wait. It's too dangerous! I can't allow you to risk your life like this!" Her overprotective brother blocked her way of escape.

The blond looked exasperated. "Really! You're almost as bad as Zala! I'll be fine. Give me a little credit. Don't tell me even YOU, my own brother, don't trust my ability to protect myself."

"Oh, I trust you," he assured her. "I just don't trust Zala and his fangirls."

Stubborn. Yes, it was definitely a family trait. But Cagalli was more mule-headed than Kira any day. She sighed regretfully and said, "I'm sorry, Kira. But you leave me no choice."

"Cagalli, what are you---?"

Kira didn't have a chance to finish his sentence before she slammed her fist against his jaw.

…………………………………………….

"**L-O-V-E, LOVE ME, ATHRUN**!"

"**ATHRUN, PLEASE GO OUT WITH ME**!"

Athrun heard the horribly familiar screams of his legion of fangirls and glanced over his shoulder. He was flabbergasted when he saw that his I-love-Athrun fan club had DOUBLED since their last encounter. He turned beseeching eyes to heaven. "I'm not going to survive this, am I?"

"Oh, think positively, Zala. At least you'd leave behind a good-looking corpse."

Athrun's shoulders sagged in relief when he saw it was his bodyguard Cagalli. "What took you so long?"

"Oh, Kira and I had a minor disagreement so I...err...had to knock some sense into him." _Literally._ She felt a prick in her conscience as she thought of her brother lying unconscious somewhere...

"Are you sure that's _all_ you did...?" he asked suspiciously.

What? Did he want a blow-by-blow account of how she punched Kira and dragged his comatose body into a secluded spot where the police wouldn't be alerted of an attempted murder case? Cagalli sighed and rolled her eyes. "Now is not the time to fly into one of your jealous rages, Zala. We have more important things to worry about."

"I agree." Athrun paused to glare at her. "And I am NOT jealous! Just...concerned, that's all."

"**DARLING ATHRUN, WE'RE COMING FOR YOU**!"

Cagalli narrowed her eyes and stepped in front of Athrun protectively. The chairman looked surprised when he observed for the first time that the blond did not have a bat in her hands to beat up the fangirls. "Err...Cagalli, shouldn't we either be running for our lives or fighting them off with a weapon?"

The normally aggressive tomboy smirked in reply. "Just trust your damsel in shining armor, oh knight in distress. I have a plan."

Athrun looked at her incredulously. Short of a miracle from God or a group of soldiers armed with the most state-of-the-art weaponry, what plan on earth could hold such awesome power that it would stop a flock of insane, hormone-driven fangirls?

All of a sudden, Cagalli widened her eyes, pointed the side with astonishment and exclaimed very loudly, "Omigod, I can't believe it! Look there! That retail store is selling EVERYTHING for HALF-PRICE and MORE! But it'll only last for an hour. I'd better hurry before anyone else sees it!"

The ramping mob of Athrun fanatics suddenly screeched to a halt, exchanged looks with each other, and then ran screaming as they took a detour for the mall.

Athrun sweatdropped. "Eh?"

"Oh sweet, naïve, innocent Zala." Our blond heroine crossed her arms and sighed exaggeratedly. "Don't you know most women are suckers for fashion and clothing? They even make it a hobby to window-shop! It's the oldest trick in the book!" Cagalli looked down and suddenly noticed that the chairman was clutching something tightly in his hand. She frowned and asked, "What's that?"

"Huh?" He blinked and opened his clenched fist. In his haste to escape, the bouquet of flowers had fallen off until all he had left in his hand was only a small, drooping yellow blossom.

Her amber eyes widened. "It's a flower!"

"It's a bit wilted..." His cheeks inflamed. God, did he feel embarrassed. This small, insignificant thing was hardly a fine offering for any woman!

"For me?" Cagalli asked in an awe-struck tone.

He looked down awkwardly. "It isn't much of a gift. It was beautiful when I first saw it at the florist, but, well..."

"It's still beautiful."

It wasn't really. All Athrun could see was a measly shriveled flower. He shifted from foot to foot uneasily and wished the wretched thing would just disappear. "It's a poor offering. I'll buy you another---"

"No, it's a wonderful gift!" She held out her hand for it and Athrun shoved the crushed blossom at her with all the smoothness of a rusty robot. Her eyes softened as a slow smile formed on her lips. "This is the first time a guy had ever given me a flower...Thank you, Athrun."

She'd thanked him. She'd said his first name. She'd _smiled_ at him. It was a lethal combination that suddenly made Athrun feel a god-awful urge to kiss her senseless. Not that kissing her would be god-awful...but the urge confused the heck out of him.

_It's just pure, hormonal chemical reaction triggered by constant exposure to a member of the opposite sex, _his logical mind rationalized. Cagalli was the first woman who was ever actively involved in his life since he buried himself into his work as a chairman years ago. So it was only natural that he'd lust after her...

That's right. Lust. That had got to be it.

But more importantly...should he give in to his primal urges?

Well, whatever his answer might have been he would never know, because somebody suddenly jumped out of the bushes and waved her videocam gleefully. She was the same reporter who'd single-handedly ruined Athrun's reputation and she needed a new story for the tabloids. Well, she certainly had one now!

"Aha!" The paparazzi reporter smirked. "Proof that the infamous chairman Athrun Zala is engaged to a brutal Amazon woman. This is going to sell like hot cakes!"

Cagalli's shock lasted for a total of five seconds before she clenched her hand into a fist and growled, "Look, Miss Whoever-you-are, you have no right to call me names. If you persist in taunting me, do so at your own health risk. And who the heck do you think you are? Poking your head into other people's private lives! If you have any decency at all, you'll hand over the tape!"

The reporter's smirk widened, totally ignoring the death glares Cagalli was sending her. "Ah, so you must be the spitfire fiancé all those fangirls had been screaming blue murder about. So, what do you think of your engagement to the rich and powerful chairman of PLANT Corporations? Is it true you're a merciless gold-digger who blackmailed the chairman into choosing you as his fiancé?"

Cagalli's hackles rose. "Listen, if you don't quit your annoying questions and give me the videocam right now, I'm going to kick your---"

"Ah, Cagalli _sweetie_, it's fine. Let me handle this," Athrun interrupted hastily before his bodyguard completely lost her temper and inflicted bodily harm. He pulled the reporter aside where they had a short discussion.

Whatever magical word he'd spouted, the paparazzi reporter finally opened the videocam and handed Athrun the tape. However, Cagalli felt troubled when the reporter winked at Athrun and said, "Don't forget your promise, Mr. Zala sir."

The chairman pocketed the tape but still he looked edgy. Cagalli frowned and asked, "Zala, why are you so tense?"

"Who, me?" He laughed awkwardly. "I'm not tense...just terribly, terribly alert."

"_Riiiight_." She eyed him disbelievingly. "So what did you do in exchange for the tape?"

Athrun cleared his throat. "Oh, it's nothing much really. I just invited her to an engagement party, that's all."

Cagalli placed her hands on her waist and narrowed her eyes at him. "Alright Zala, spill it. What are you hiding?"

When he failed to come up with a response, the blond KNEW he was keeping something from her---and she had a sneaking suspicion she knew what it was. Cagalli's voice held a warning when she intoned, "Zala, exactly _whose_ engagement party is it?"

Athrun swallowed hard, already hearing his funeral anthem playing in the background. The chairman silently prayed for a quick, painless death as he opened his mouth to seal his doom.

"Err...would you kill me if I said **ours**?"

…………………………………………….

(TBC)


	6. Chapter Six

"I'm sorry I had to drag you over here. I hope it isn't too much trouble."

It was Sunday afternoon and the chairman of PLANT was apologizing to the young, green-haired man walking beside him. His name was Nicol Amarfi, Athrun's childhood friend and headmaster extraordinaire of the Academy for Etiquette and Social Graces. After Athrun explained about his 'situation' (i.e. the millions of rabid fangirls stalking his every move and the fake fiancé), he had asked Nicol to come over to his mansion and lend his expertise.

Poor, innocent Nicol. Instead of running screaming in the other direction, he actually **agreed**.

"You mean, about giving a crash course on training your fiancé into becoming the perfect lady?" Nicol laughed and waved his hand dismissively. "No problem. I don't see why you need my help though. Knowing you, your fiancé is bound to be the loveliest, sweetest and most gentle woman in all of Japan."

Athrun almost keeled over.

_Lovely, sweet, gentle..._

_**Cagalli?**_

The chairman coughed and smiled weakly. "Well...she IS cute."

They made it to the front door and Athrun's hand was just over the doorknob when the door suddenly swung open by itself.

"Master Athrun!" The head chef blubbered, staring at him like his employer was the savior of mankind, tears running down his face. "Thank God you've finally arrived! The woman...she is a monster...a she-devil..."

Athrun sweatdropped. Now why did this sound so familiar? "Let me guess. It's Cagalli, right?"

The head chef nodded his head indignantly. "Imagine the nerve of that beast in woman's guise when she practically took over my kitchen simply because I said I couldn't cook her meat! After all, only vegetables are allowed for our meals. And then that SAVAGE forced my poor workers to buy two live chickens. **LIVE** CHICKENS! And you know WHY? I'll tell you why! It's because she wants to surprise you by cooking 'fresh' lunch and---"

This was getting more and more confusing by the second. Athrun quickly cut short the chef's angry outburst and raised his hands in a stop gesture. "Wait a minute. What do you mean LIVE chickens?"

"See for yourself!"

Taking a deep breath, Athrun took one brave step into the living room and then---

**KA-BOOM!**

The whole mansion trembled and shook at the loud eruption. The three men started coughing and pinching their noses as they inhaled the choking smoke pouring out of the kitchen.

"Oh, my poor kitchen!" The head chef wailed as he made a mad dash for the kitchen doorway, with Athrun and Nicol close behind.

The kitchen was the product of pure chaos. What had exploded? Well, it was a stove (the super-expensive one Athrun had ordered specially from London). And who had caused the explosion? Well, the culprit had to be that blond woman trying to douse the flames with a fire extinguisher.

Everywhere he looked, it was a disaster area. Two chickens were squawking and running up and down, successfully avoiding the two clumsy chefs who were trying to catch them. In the background, cooking utensils and cleaning equipments were scattered all over the place.

Nicol's mouth fell open.

Athrun's eye twitched.

"MY KITCHEN!" The head chef cried out, rolled his eyes, and fell backward in a dead faint.

As soon as the fire was put out, Cagalli finally noticed their gawking presence and grinned sheepishly at them. "Hello, Zala. Hello, Zala's friend. You're back early."

_Inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale...That's right, just breathe normally. Going ballistic over this is not going to change anything. _The green-eyed chairman plastered a huge, fake smile on his face as he regarded the blond who had apparently lost her mind. Being the gentleman he is, instead of screaming **_What the hell is going on?_**, he graciously asked, "Cagalli, would you please explain why there are chickens running around in my home and why my kitchen look like a tornado had hit it?"

"Ah, sorry about that, Zala. I was attempting to cook myself dinner. But the chickens were too energetic, so the chefs had to catch them and _someone_ had to look after the boiling water---namely ME," Cagalli said matter-of-factly, as if that explained the total mayhem and bedlam that had just occurred.

**FIVE** muscles started twitching in Athrun's temples. "Let me get this straight. You were trying to boil WATER and _that_ caused the stove to blow up?"

"Err...that's right."

Silence.

For a long moment, Nicol was struck speechless as he stared stupidly at the grimy blond who was holding a fire extinguisher, with the hyperactive chickens and two chasing chefs in the background. Then he slowly turned to the chairman and politely asked, "Umm, Athrun, would you mind telling me who this...lady is?"

In a deadly calm voice, Athrun said, "Nicol, meet my sweet and gentle fiancé, Cagalli Yula."

Silence.

"Squawk! Squawk!"

"Gotcha, you little chickens! You can't escape us this time!"

The two chickens-in-distress jumped into Athrun's surprised arms, followed by the two Dumb and Dumber chefs who were running after the chicken. Athrun's eyes widened and he yelled, "STOP! STOP BEFORE YOU---"

Too late.

**CRASH!**

………………………………………………………….

_Undercover Fiancé Wanted, Desperately _

_Chapter Six_

………………………………………………………….

**THE IDIOT'S GUIDE TO BECOMING THE PERFECT FIANCE**

**Lesson One: Talking the talk!**

----------

Two caught chickens and one resuscitated head chef later, Nicol and Athrun stood surrounding the golden-haired woman of whom they had sworn to convert from vulgar, destructive Amazon into bona fide lady of infinite grace and beauty in time for the party---or die trying. Somehow the chairman sensed it would be the latter...but hey, on the bright side, at least he already paid for his life insurance.

_...Didn't he?_

Hmm. Note to self: Pay for life insurance A.S.A.P.

Nicol Amarfi, blissfully unaware of the life-threatening jeopardy the innocent little blond posed to his health, was speaking to her. "Miss Cagalli, please repeat after me: How now brown cow."

"How...now...brown...cow?" Cagalli echoed and then rolled her eyes. "This is ridiculous! I'm not sure if any fat woman wearing brown clothing would be happy if you bring attention to their weight problems."

"No, you misunderstand. This is to practice your vocal cords. You have to train your tone and articulation to resemble those of an educated, sophisticated lady," explained the green-haired man.

Her tawny eyes sparked electricity. "Are you implying that my voice _isn't_ ladylike?"

Insert looks of **horror**.

"MOVING ON!" Athrun quickly interrupted, throwing the sweatdropping Nicol a look that said _keep your big mouth shut or experience a broken ribcage later courtesy of Cagalli's fist_. He cleared his throat importantly. "It's time for the art of conversing!"

She blinked. "Eh?"

"Conversation topics leave a big impression on the upper crust," clarified the chairman. "They can sniff out a faker from the start just by listening to you talk. So it's important that you pick the right issues to discuss."

**_WHAT?_** "But...all I know is the usual stuff...like the latest news on basketball!" Cagalli exclaimed.

Nicol frowned and shook his head. "No, no, no. Sports are definitely NOT a good subject matter. Think culture, arts, literature..."

"You mean like the Harry Potter conventions?" she asked innocently.

He sweat dropped. "Okay, forget what I said. Just remember there are three subjects that always work: Food, family and philosophy. As long as you use them, you will never be at a loss for words." Nicol clapped his hands. "Alright, let's practice. Athrun, you pretend to be one of the guests. Let's make believe we're all presently at the engagement party and you two are striking up a conversation. Cagalli, please initiate the discourse."

The blond took a deep breath. _Alright, I can do this. I am Cagalli Yula Athha and I can do anything I set my mind to._ Her forehead creased as she searched for the right thing to say.

_Food. Let's start with food._

"So...do you like spinach?" she blurted out.

Athrun smiled politely. "No, I'm afraid I don't."

Awkward silence.

_Okay, time for the second item on the list. Family, wasn't it?_ Cagalli thought deeply for a moment and then asked, "Do you have a brother?"

"No, I'm afraid I don't."

She glowered at him. _Jeez. Can't he saying anything else? He's beginning to sound like a robot on autopilot! _She rolled her eyes. _Oh, forget it. Let's focus here. Food and family didn't work...so what now?_

A super-duper brilliant brainstorm struck her head with a flash of inspiration. It was nothing short of genius! With a **big** smile on her face, Cagalli asked, "If you had a brother, would he like spinach?"

Athrun and Nicol sweatdropped.

Weeellll, it WAS philosophy...sort of.

…………………………………………….

There were a ka-billion things Miriallia could be doing right now in her spare time. Like reading one of her romance novels, or pigging out with fatty ice cream sundaes, or brainwashing her mind with MTV...

So why was she kneeling down skulking behind a bush in the park like a prowler, you ask?

Two words: _Tolle. Koenig_.

Today was the day Milly had promised herself that, come hell or high water, she would **finally** summon the guts to ask her crush out. Ah, she had waited so long for this moment! After weeks and weeks of following Tolle's Sunday afternoon routine (i.e. his daily stroll in the park for approximately half an hour before going home. And NO, she was NOT stalking him!), then changing her mind at the last minute because she was a big fat chicken, Miriallia finally decided she couldn't put it off any longer.

Her plan was simple: First, she would 'happen' to bump into him and oh-so-casually confess her undying love for him, in which her Sir Lancelot would smile and respond: _Really? Why, that's exactly how I feel about you too, Milly._ _I've never felt like this before for any woman before._ She would then swoon and fall into his arms, followed by a long and passionate kiss. Later, they would date for a month before settling down into marital bliss and having four wonderful and adorable children (two boys, two girls).

Her heartbeat accelerated when she heard heavy footsteps.

_It's got to be HIM. Okay, this is it. Take a deep breath, Milly. He won't bite. What's the worse he could do? Sure, he'll break your heart into a million pieces if he rejects you. But what the heck? Just get out there and face him!_

Wearing a sweet smile on her face, she jumped out of her hiding place. "What a nice surprise!" Milly exclaimed.

She nearly had a heart attack when she saw, not Tolle's face but---you guessed it---**Dearka Elthman's**!

'_Nice surprise'? Hah! Try 'Nightmare on Elm Street_'

"Milly, what a coincidence!" Dearka's surprise wore off in an instant and he reverted back to his charming ol' self.

"Oh, it's **you**." She sighed. "I didn't recognize you for a minute. It was one of the happiest minutes I've ever spent."

His grin widened. "Well, don't worry. I'm about to make you even happier."

"Why, are you leaving for Nebraska?"

He ignored her put-down. "No. Since it's such a fine day, why don't we take advantage of it and have a leisurely walk together in the park?"

Milly blanched and then glared lethally at him. "Between jumping off a twenty-story building to an uncertain death or strolling with you, I'd rather take my chances and jump!"

The blond sighed. "Sadly, there's not a twenty-story building in sight, so we'll have to settle with the second choice then. Unless, of course, you're afraid you can't keep your hands off me?" He leered at her.

"Oh, rest assured. It's a violent struggle to keep myself from grabbing your neck and shaking your brains out," she spat acidly.

He tsk-tsked and wagged a finger. "Such brutal thoughts run in your head, Milly. That's no way to endear yourself to your strolling partner."

She narrowed her eyes. "Endearing myself to you is the last thing on my to-do list for the day. Why don't you wait a century later and we'll see."

He folded his arms over his chest. "Fine then. I'm a patient man. Just remember your promise when your reincarnation meets my reincarnation."

"Oh, I never believed in that superstition. But after meeting you, I've changed my mind. You make me believe in reincarnation. Nobody can be as stupid as you in one lifetime." She rolled her eyes and threw up her hands. "And why am I wasting my valuable time talking to **you** of all people?"

"Because my conversation is stimulating?" Dearka suggested.

She snorted. "I guess it's rather stimulating...that is, for a talking monkey."

"That's not surprising considering our ancestors are apes."

"Elthman, we all spring from apes, but you didn't spring far enough!" She glared harder. "Now GET LOST! Or is your English comprehension limited to the vocabulary of the 'Beavis and Butthead' show?"

In the midst of their verbal joust, Tolle Koenig was innocently strolling down the path, humming to himself. He stopped when he encountered a homicidal-looking woman shouting insults and death threats at a smirking blond. Wasn't she the one he bumped into yesterday at the café? Her name...It was Miriallia Haww, wasn't it?

"Ah, good evening, Miss Haww!" he greeted.

"Buzz off! Can't you see I'm--- Oh, it's you..." Milly blushed a bright red when she realized it was her beloved Tolle she was screaming at. "I-I'm sorry, Mr. Koenig. I didn't know it was you."

"There's no harm done. Please call me Tolle." Tolle frowned, looking a little concerned and curious. "Miss Haww, is this man bothering you?"

"Yes, he is!" she promptly snapped.

"No, I'm not," Dearka said simultaneously.

She glared at the blond. "Shut up! Whenever you open your mouth, you never fail to irritate me!"

He raised an eyebrow. "Well, if it bothers you so much, I can always attempt to communicate through clairvoyance."

"Clairvoyance is for people with TALENT! And the only possible talent you have is the natural gift of repulsing women!"

Dearka sighed dramatically. "I'm afraid I must argue with that. Ladies find me rather good-looking."

_Arrogance, thy name is Dearka. _She rolled her eyes. "Good looks are nothing to me. You see, I want to date someone who doesn't have solid concrete from the eyebrows backwards."

Dearka placed a hand over his heart, looking deeply hurt. "Milly, you're the cruelest woman alive. What have I ever done to deserve such harsh treatment?"

She smiled sarcastically. "Oh, I don't know. By **breathing**?"

Sensing an impending battle of brutal proportions, Tolle loudly cleared his throat and said, "Err...so I'm guessing he's a stalker."

"That's right!" The auburn-haired girl nodded her head furiously. "This Neanderthal crawled out of a cave somewhere and has been harassing me since the day I met him!"

"I'm not harassing her. I'm just following her around," was Dearka's casual reply.

She grounded her teeth together. "Don't listen to him, Tolle. He's obviously suffering from halitosis of the intellect. Of course, that's assuming he HAS an intellect."

"I do. I can add one plus one without a calculator, can't I?" drawled the blond lazily.

"That just proves you're at least smarter than the average bear!"

Squabble, squabble. Bicker, bicker. They were so absorbed in their little 'conversation' that they flat out ignored the sweatdropping Tolle's presence. He could have grown three heads, stripped naked and ran around in circles while screeching like a crazy lunatic and they STILL wouldn't notice him.

"...Milly, if you would just give me a chance, you'll get to like me."

"Hah! I doubt that. You are the kind of person who, when one first meets you, one doesn't like you. But when one gets to know you better, one hates you!"

Tolle sighed and left the arguing duo, shaking his head all the way.

…………………………………………….

**THE IDIOT'S GUIDE TO BECOMING THE PERFECT FIANCE**

**Lesson Two: Dressing the dress!**

----------

"I'm not wearing it."

"Yes, you are."

"No way in hell!"

"Please put it on..."

"Over YOUR dead body!"

In Cagalli's temporary bedroom, our blond heroine was throwing an Antarctica-freezing glare at the most gruesome, horrifying, appalling and nightmarish creation mankind had ever created in the history of pain-inflicting tools. Redundancy, be damned. She looked fully prepared to grab the THING, throw it into the nearest incinerator and then bury the leftover ashes for good measure.

It was a dress---an innocent, pretty little dress. Light green in color, sleeveless, complete with frills and trimmings. Cagalli had personally selected it from the clothing store, but now she was having second thoughts and seriously questioned her sanity when she chose it.

"Cagalli, please..."

The chairman's jaw clenched. His patience was slowly being shredded into pieces with each passing minute. Only years of Yoga and Tai Chi lessons kept his temper and sanity intact. His inner-self was acting like Mahatma Gandhi, sitting cross-legged while chanting over and over: _Don't start screaming in frustration, Athrun. Screaming is a violent thing to do. Remember, a calm discussion can solve **any **problem..._

"I want to wear jeans and I don't see why I can't."

_...Unless the problem is a grumpy, mule-headed, sadistic blond with a gorilla punch!_

He took a deep, calming breath. Then he smiled tightly. "Please understand, Cagalli. This is an **engagement party**! It's customary and practically compulsory for a woman to wear a dress!"

"But," Cagalli aimed a disgusted glance at the dress she so fondly nicknamed '_the devil's brainchild_', "it looks like something the medieval people used as an iron maiden torture device. I'm getting claustrophobic just looking at it!"

"Nonsense. It's perfectly comfortable for human wear," said Athrun exasperatedly.

She snorted. "How would YOU know? YOU never wore a dress in your life!"

Just when Athrun thought he was going to completely break down and BEG her on his knees to put on the stupid dress, Cagalli finally relented. "Fine!" she snapped. "I'll wear that evil suit of armor. But I'm warning you, this will increase my salary later!"

At that moment, the desperate chairman ('desperate' seems to best describe his mood for the last three hectic days, doesn't it?) was willing to pay her 100 million in hard cash if she'd wear the dress, so with immense relief he simply nodded.

The blond reluctantly grabbed the dress and ordered Athrun to get out of her room before she kicked his butt.

Then came the next problem.

Five minutes later, the chairman heard a loud gasp and a crashing noise. Without thinking, he flung open the door and entered the bedroom, looking shocked when he saw Cagalli writhing on the floor like a fish out of water, struggling to breathe. He kneeled down and touched her gently.

"Cagalli, what's wrong?"

"I-I c-can't b-breathe..."

Indeed, Cagalli's face was turning blue after she put on the gown and pulled up the zipper. Apparently the dress was too tight. She grabbed his shoulders and pleaded, "Z-Zala...unzip...the dress..."

Athrun hesitated. "But it isn't decent to---"

"**Zala, just do it before I die of oxygen shortage**!" she managed to burst out.

"Fine!" Squeezing his eyes shut, he quickly reached out and touched the zipper. Then, thinking he might accidentally zip off her skin if he wasn't looking (and she'd probably skin him **alive** in return), Athrun reluctantly opened his eyes again and unzipped the dress carefully.

Nicol was passing by the room, curious to know what was taking them so long. Imagine his utter shock, therefore, when he saw Athrun was 'undressing' Cagalli in what looked like an M-rated moment!

His jaw practically dropped to the floor. Then the green-haired man slapped his hands to his burning eyes and began to intone, "See no evil. Hear no evil. Speak no evil..."

Athrun heard his loud mantra and looked up. "N-Nicol! What in blazes are you doing here?"

Eyes still firmly closed, Nicol flailed his hands up and down, yelling, "I-I didn't see anything! I swear! I'm sorry for interrupting. You guys just go ahead with...whatever it is you guys are doing."

Athrun looked as if his face had been smacked by a frying pan. "A-Are you actually implying that she and I...that we...?" He sputtered and choked at the very _idea_. "Get your mind out of the gutter, Nicol! It's not how it looks like! All I did was assist Cagalli in zipping her dress. That's **ALL**! We didn't DO _anything_!"

Cagalli was gasping for breath, trying to regenerate her respiratory system while communicating exactly how YELLOW Nicol's brain was.

"Alright, I believe you," Nicol said with an expression that clearly stated: '_If you really think I believe you, then I must be a better liar than I thought_'. Wanting to give them privacy (for whatever _naughty_ things they're secretly up to), Nicol politely excused himself and exited stage right.

Athrun helped her up from the floor and inquired, "Cagalli, why did you pick this dress from the store when you know it's too tight for you?"

Good question. Why DID she pick a dress with an inch smaller waistline? _Because I'm an idiot. Because males usually go for women with small waistlines. Because I wanted to impress you. _"Because...JUST BECAUSE! Do I have to explain everything I do to you?" she snapped, blushing and crossing her arms defiantly.

Alright, so he shouldn't have asked her that question. Getting her riled up wouldn't help him for his next far more difficult obstacle (Not impossible! Think positive!): How to make Cagalli put on high heels without suffering from her special combo 'super-kick-uppercut-gut-punch-and-knuckle-sandwich' attack.

_Okay, I can do this. If I can resolve delicate issues like raising stock markets, calming on-strike employees and increasing my network, what can one small woman possibly do...besides breaking my arm and twisting my body into a pretzel?_ Right. The chairman cleared his throat. "Umm, Cagalli, have you ever worn high heels?"

Her amber eyes narrowed. "Oh, you mean the shoes with the killer heels that look straight out of an episode of 'Torture Devices of the Strange and Deranged'?"

"Well, the gown would never be complete without the right shoes, so..."

Cagalli's reply was a no-brainer. "NO WAY! The dress already feels like the second level of hell. High heels would kill me for sure!"

Alas, she wasn't budging an inch.

Athrun rubbed his aching forehead. _Oh, boy. Here we go again..._

…………………………………………….

"Why am I SURROUNDED by incompetent imbeciles?"

Yzak's volcanic explosion vibrated throughout his entire office as he slapped his hand on a mass of Mount Everest-sized paperwork. He looked stonier than a biblical execution---and the target of his sulfurous glare stood shaking opposite his desk.

The poor secretary was practically cowering under his superior's intimidating (not to mention scary) wrath. "I-I'm so sorry, sir. I'll do better next time. I swear!"

"_Next time_?" The silver-haired man smiled---and it was a smile that screamed '**WARNING! Danger of death**'. "And what makes you think I'm going to _give_ you a 'next time'?"

For once in his life, the secretary showed some backbone when he puffed out his chest proudly and announced, "Sir, I've been a boon to this company..."

"Hmm, more like a baboon," Yzak cut in sarcastically. "It would explain why your paperwork has so many spelling mistakes and grammatical errors. Only a moron with an underdeveloped primate's brain and the attention span of a cockroach could possibly make this many blunders!"

"But sir, I have a perfectly valid excuse..." For example: Today is Sunday. Sunday equals day off.

Then again, this is YZAK, his mad and sadistic boss. Could he even _understand_ the words 'day off'?

The secretary was proved right when the Joule held up one hand. "Save your breath. I already know your excuse." He smiled coldly. "Aliens zapped you with stupidity ray---**twice**."

"B-But sir, I---"

"Do shut up. You should never argue with higher intelligence." The silver-haired man rolled his eyes. "As of now, you may cease calling me 'sir'..." The implication was obvious: _You're being FIRED because you're a sub-literate simpleton and I'm your boss, therefore more superior to you. So you have the right to remain silent while I play around with your puny mind and insignificant life and there's **nothing** you can do about it. Ha-ha._

The pathetic secretary burst into tears and practically went down on his hands and knees. "Please, sir! Give me another chance! I promise I'll work extra hard on the paperwork this time!"

He bent almost inhumanly backwards when his employer's dark face loomed ominously over him. The hapless man gulped, quickly making the sign of the cross.

Yzak gave him a malicious smirk. "Oh, don't worry. I won't kill you today. It's 'Be kind to Animals' week."

Ah yes, he _loved_ this part. This was when he would deliver the coup de grace, in which he would stomp his secretary's fragile ego into itty bitty pieces and fire him to Kingdom Come.

But then his damn phone HAD to ring!

Yzak glared at the phone in annoyance, wordlessly cursed Alexander Graham Bell, then sighed and answered it. "**What**?" he snapped.

Athrun Zala went straight to the point. "Yzak, I need your help."

Oh God, there it was again---those infamous five words that always bring about **hell** and **eternal suffering**. The silver-haired man groaned, barely resisting the urge to drop his head and bash it a couple of times on his desk. Good grief. Will the torture never end?

"All right, Zala. What sort of traumatizing, gut-wrenchingly pathetic problem are you undergoing _this time_?" he asked flatly.

"Well, I'm going to have an engagement party..."

"I see..." Yzak paused. "Do you want my congratulations or my condolences?"

"Neither. This isn't a real engagement party. Remember Dearka's undercover bodyguard slash fiancé idea? Well, amazingly, it's actually working. But I accidentally told the paparazzi that I'm arranging an engagement soiree and now I'm committed on making one. I'm too busy right now, so I need someone else to organize the party and since you're available..."

The Joule didn't bother to hide his incredulity. "How can you _accidentally _tell the paparazzi you're throwing an engagement party?"

"Yzak, please FOCUS! I really, _really_, REALLY need you to organize this party for me! You're the only one I can trust with this responsibility. Of course, I could always ask Dearka to handle it but..." Athrun thought of the ten hundred ways the tanned blond could cause chaos, panic and disorder in an engagement party, shuddered, and decided not to think about it.

"Let me get this straight. You're asking ME to organize an _engagement party_?" Yzak narrowed his eyes dangerously. "Zala, do you have enough oxygen on your planet?"

From his side of the line, Athrun rolled his eyes. "This is not the time to be sarcastic, Yzak. Just organize everything and have the party ready by Wednesday next week."

"But...isn't that three days from now? That's _impossible_!" The silver-haired man had had it up to HERE with his friends' ridiculous favors. First Dearka and his stupid girlfriend problems---and now **this**! Well, there was no way in hell he was playing any part of this latest soap drama. "Forget it, Zala. Ask someone else. I'm NOT doing it!"

He really did put his foot down. Really, he did. So like one of those baffling mysteries (like why women are so moody with PMS and men are so obsessed with ESPN), Yzak was somehow tricked into taking on the task. He seethed as he slapped his handphone shut and glared into thin air. Decreasing his small circle of friends to zero suddenly sounded awfully appealing...

"...So am I fired, sir?" Mr. Secretary asked meekly.

The Joule sighed, realizing all the fun of torturing his secretary was totally obliterated now that he was once again responsible for cleaning up another of his idiotic friend's messes.

"Listen up, you groveling half-wit. I want you to finish this paperwork you failed to complete." Yzak gestured to the piles and piles of paperwork on the desk in desperate need of alteration. "By the time I come back, I expect nothing short of perfection. This is your LAST chance to prove your brain isn't running on empty, so don't screw it up. Do I make myself _clear_?"

His subordinate nodded, relieved that he was spared of further mental torture.

"I'll be back." With that threat, Yzak gracefully stood up and headed for the door.

The secretary looked surprised. "B-But sir, where are you going? Y-You have a conference with a major company in an hour's time!"

Yzak's reply was to slam the door behind him, muttering something about "stupid friends, stupid favors, and stupider men who give in to stupid friends."

…………………………………………….

**THE IDIOT'S GUIDE TO BECOMING THE PERFECT FIANCE**

**Lesson Three: Dancing the dance!**

----------

After the miracle of finally persuading the unwilling Cagalli into putting on 'the freakishly mutated shoes from hell', the couple stood in the center of the manor's ballroom (which greatly resembled the magnificent ballroom from Disney's Beauty and the Beast).

Now Athrun's question was a simple one. "Do you know how to dance?"

The blond responded by screwing up her pretty nose in disgust as she glared down at her high heels. "Well, I can tap-dance 'Yankee Doodle' without missing a beat...as long as it's not in four-inch stiletto heels."

Athrun's lips twitched. "No. What I mean is: Can you dance the waltz?"

"Err...I can dance but I can't waltz." When he gave her an exasperated look, Cagalli squeezed her eyes shut and confessed, "_Alright_, I admit it! I...I'm a **LOUSY** dancer!"

Athrun's eyes widened, and then he laughed. "A lousy dancer? Is that all? Well, it's perfectly fine to feel nervous about your first waltz. I was quite a klutz the first time too." He tapped his chin thoughtfully. "I remember when I was fifteen my mother forced me to take dancing lessons for this party she was throwing. On the first day, while I was training with my dance instructor, I tripped over my own two feet, broke a vase, sprained my ankle and then accidentally stepped on her foot. She was promptly sent to the emergency ward."

She winced. "Ouch. That's got to hurt."

"Yes, it did. So for the sake of other people's personal protection, I decided to train my footwork behind the closed doors of my bedroom and got myself a handy little guidebook for step-by-step self-help on dancing. It worked. In a month's time, I could actually waltz without smacking into people or endangering their foot. Since then, my mother has never needed to call an ambulance to go on stand-by mode in our garage."

"That's great!" Cagalli felt extremely relieved. _Phew! Glad to know there's antibiotics for awful dancing._ "But...what happened to your dance instructor?"

"Oh, she's fine. But I think she quit giving dancing lessons because of her permanent limp..." The chairman smiled and placed a comforting hand on her shoulder. "So, you see, you're not the only one with two left feet."

Cagalli looked at him, then exhaled sharply. "You still don't get it, do you? I'm a really, REALLY rotten dancer! If you think Goofy is clumsy, then you haven't seen me on the dance floor yet. It's like watching Big Foot trying to dance the salsa! Can't we just stick to tap-dancing? I'm good at that." She gave him an adorable puppy-dog look.

Athrun rolled his eyes. "Don't give me that look. It's the Zala's family tradition to dance the waltz at the beginning of every engagement party we have. Besides, I think you're exaggerating. You feet aren't huge..."---he paused---"...are they?"

She bared her fangs like a saber-tooth tiger. "Do you want me to hurt you?"

Luckily, Nicol sidetracked her burst of anger when he called out, "May we begin?"

"Oh yes. Let's just get down to our dancing lesson. Just follow my lead," Athrun hastily added. He bowed slightly and held out his hand to her, his lips curving into his _I'm-sexy-as-hell _smile. "May I have this dance?"

She accepted his hand while silently praying '_Please God, if you don't let me make a fool of myself, I promise I'll never lose my temper again...Well, okay, so it's not very likely. How about this then? I promise not to break any more of Athrun's stuff...Fine, so it's ALSO not very likely. Err, I promise not to do physical harm on Athrun...unless provoked. There, I can do that.'_

He led her to the dance floor, then turned to take her in his arms. Their gazes locked when he pulled her close to him, the jolt of physical awareness as apparent in his expression as she knew it must be in hers. They stared at each other for a spellbound moment, before they began to move.

Taking his cue, Nicol started to play a familiar melody on the piano.

"'I Can't Help Falling in Love with You'," Athrun whispered, making her blush tomato red.

_Thump-thump-thump. Did he just say what I think he just said? Holy cow! I think I'm dying from cardiac arrest... _

So you can understand Cagalli's immense disappointment (not to mention the sudden inclination to whack Athrun over the head) when he continued, "It's a famous Elvis number and one of my parents' favorites. They loved to dance."

She scowled. _Jeez. Just because of one stupid romantic song, I'm beginning to think like one of those Athrun-obsessed fangirls. A curse on wishful thinking!_

"Careful! You're losing your focus," warned the chairman when he glanced down and saw her feet almost stamping on his. "Yes, that's right. You're getting the hang of it. One, two, three...one, two, three..."

He looked up, only to realize she was staring at him like she was on a chocolate diet and he happened to be a giant Kit-Kat bar.

Athrun raised a dark brow. "You're doing it again."

"Doing what?"

"Looking at me strangely. If I didn't know any better, I'd swear you have a crush on me..."

He meant it only as a teasing comment. But Cagalli was so shocked she stumbled backward and accidentally stepped on the hem of her dress. She felt herself losing her balance and began that hopping, arm-windmilling thing people do (usually when cartoon characters are at the edge of a cliff and going to fall to their doom). Athrun grabbed hold of her, but unfortunately he also fell victim to the waves of unbalance. Seeing the disaster in the making, Nicol stopped playing the piano and swiftly tried to grab Athrun, but he too got caught up in the current. They swayed back and forth for a few agonizing seconds until the head chef stepped into the room.

"Ahem. Lunch is served!" he announced.

"FORGET THAT! **HELP US**!" Nicol, Athrun and Cagalli bellyached.

The astonished head chef ran over and tried to stabilize them, but the combined weight of the three of them was too much and, in slow motion, the four people let out a helpless scream as they toppled to the floor.

"WHHHHHAAAA!"

And so, for the second time that day, the entire household staff was alerted to the sound of a loud (and painful) '**CRASH**'!

From beneath the suffocating pile of tangled limbs, Athrun's head popped out and he moaned. "Alright, someone call the ambulance. And tell them to be there for my engagement party too. Let's be safe rather than sorry..."

Everybody else responded with a groan. And for once, Cagalli didn't fly into a blazing rampage.

But then when Cagalli's feet accidentally knocked into his face, Nicol couldn't help but notice something extraordinary: "Miss Cagalli...you feet...begging your pardon, but they're rather..._huge_!"

I spoke too soon...

**SMACK!**

…………………………………………….

(TBC)


End file.
